Monologue

Week of Feb. 1

By February 7, 2021 No Comments

This week: What Groundhog Day reveals about human evolution; An in-depth look at Marjorie Taylor Greene’s unimaginable shallowness; A different kind of pillow fight; Another special appearance by the one and grossly Al Goldstein; And “Secretary Pete”! Sounds good to me.
Dig it…

This week: What Groundhog Day reveals about human evolution; An in-depth look at Marjorie Taylor Greene’s unimaginable shallowness; A different kind of pillow fight; Another special appearance by the one and grossly Al Goldstein; And “Secretary Pete”! Sounds good to me.

###

Tuesday was Groundhog Day, as if we haven’t already spent the last four years having to listen to the wretched advice of an unpredictable, oversized rodent with wiry hair and the brain of a rabid animal hellbent on lashing out at anybody that even accidentally crosses it.

Punxsutrumpy Phil

I realize this spectacle is all in good fun and that if you’re forced to stay long enough against your will you can learn to play piano and carve amazing ice sculptures

But regardless of what a group of suspiciously amused old white men dressed up like the Monopoly banker would have us believe, the official end of winter is not dependent upon the whim of a reluctant animal that would gladly bring chaos and rabies to a picnic.
The Incas built Machu Picchu in the 1400’s incorporating the sacred Intihuatana stone which casts a shadow everyday of the year except at precisely noon on the date of the spring or fall equinox.

Amazing.

Three thousand years before that, the Mayans built the spectacular Kukulkan Pyramid in Chichen Itza, which is specifically situated and constructed so that the play of the sun’s light on the structure signals the beginning of the seasons.

Astonishing.

But in comparison, we modern-day Americans choose to descend upon a small, otherwise pointless town by the actual name of “Gobbler’s Knob” to have our future dictated by the random actions of a rat on steroids.
I’m not sure where we’re at on this particular human evolutionary chart, but all indications are that we’re right of center and heading in the wrong direction.
###

Here’s more proof that we’re very potentially on the downslope as a species:

It’s name is Marjorie Taylor Greene and it is a disruptive moron of historic proportions

As a United States Representative, those who have consciously chosen to have her represent them seem not to mind that she believes that Hillary Clinton is a Satan-worshipper who runs a child-trafficking ring out of a DC pizza restaurant but only when she’s not sexually assaulting children herself and slicing off their faces that she then wears as a mask.
Grotesque, to be sure. But you tell me another way for Hillary to keep her skin looking so young!

(low blow)

And look, I may have combined a few of those seemingly preposterous theories for expediency sake, but the important thing to understand here is that United States Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene openly believes all these things are true. Or at least she doesn’t mind that others believe she believes them. So she’s either immeasurably ignorant or deliberately manipulative. Take your pick, Marjorie, because there’s really no third choice.
And as they say in late night infomercials when they’re trying to sell you something you suspect is of only the most questionable quality

But wait! There’s more!

Taylor Greene also believes the 2020 election was “stolen” (of course!), that California’s deadly Camp Fire was started by a Jewish Space Laser (because why not?), and that 9/11 was a hoax, which is every batshit crazy conspiracy theorist’s way of saying…

By the way, can we please stop using the term “truther” when referring to 9/11 conspiracy nuts? Unless, you mean for it to be like when you call a bald guy “Curly” or a tall guy “Shorty” or a Proud Boy a “man”. Otherwise, let’s just stick with the far more accurate “harebrained rumormonger.
Thanks for that.

Are you like House Minority Leader, Kevin “Extremely Guilty By Association” McCarthy, and somehow still haven’t heard enough? How about this one? In 2019, waaaaay back when she was but a naive child, Ms. Greene “liked” a Facebook post that said a good way to get rid of Nancy Pelosi would be “a bullet to the head.” In her defense, she somehow resisted responding to the post with a “hug emoji“.

Such restraint!
Coincidentally, I’ve come to believe that the most likely explanation for Greene’s general state of mind is that she herself recently received a bullet to the head. Though that would still barely explain her.

###

Now, as a brief intermission, please enjoy this video of a bear chasing a skier…

The unlikely chase happened last week at a resort in Romania, which means this was not just a bear, but potentially…

a vampire bear!

And now back to our previously scheduled nutcase.

***

Perhaps the most outrageous claim made by Marjorie Taylor Greene, as if that category doesn’t basically encompass the entirety of Ms. Greene’s constant onslaught of brainfarts, is that she believes that most if not all mass shootings, particularly in schools, have been staged events orchestrated by democrats. According to Lady Wingnut, those same democrats then used the shootings to justify pushing for stricter gun legislation, which it’s definitely worth pointing out, never seems to actually get fucking passed.
Like… never.
Two years ago, Taylor Greene even stalked Parkland mass shooting survivor, David Hogg, self-satisfyingly insisting that he somehow help her grapple with the wild derangement that had infested the scattered remnants of her dewy-eyed mind.
He didn’t.
Good choice.
I’ve already mentioned it twice, but as a never-not-going-to-be-shocking reminder, Greene is a duly elected United States Representative for the Republican Party, which I assume is extremely embarrassing for them. But I wouldn’t bet on it.
Instead, Hogg has all but ignored Greene’s ignorance and is now starting a “progressive” pillow company seemingly for the soul purpose of fucking with another Trump-sack-licking sycophant, the MyPillow guy.
For instance, Hogg took to the refreshingly Trumpless Twitter to describe some of the key parts of the company including the fact that they will…

It’s still early, but I’d have to say this is already a definite frontrunner for “Boss Move of the Year.”
Kudos, David Hogg.
Though my sense here is that anyone who was still going to buy a pillow from the Trump-sack-licking MyPillow guy is probably now going to buy a pillow from him because he’s the Trump-sack-licking MyPillow guy. That’s ‘Murica!

Love it by attacking it or leave it!

###

Which, yet again, brings us back to the freshman dumbshit representing Georgia’s questionably sane 14th District. And also to her white male knight, Leader McCarthy, who not only refused to even reprimand Greene for her extremely recent statements and actions, but actually assigned her to the House Committee on Education!  That’s like assigning a rabid fox to the Committee on Chicken Coop Security.
It’s a thing. Look it up.
Thankfully, the rest of the house wasn’t having it, and they voted to strip Greene of her committee assignments. It’s a good start, but it seems fair to now go ahead and assign her to whatever committee is responsible for cleaning up human feces from the hallways of the Capitol building. Yes, every time she opens her mouth it will just mean that more shit will get everywhere, but we’ll make her clean that up too.

The House vote was 230-199, meaning 199 elected Republicans thought everything you’ve just read about Greene was not enough to keep this woman from actually deciding on legislation that would affect anything, let alone children in schools.
Because I’m all about fairness, here are the 11 Republicans who deserve recognition for having voted to remove Greene from her committee assignments.

I salute them all… even though I would almost certainly never actually vote for any of them.
As for “The Dirty Hundred and Ninety Nine,” in the words of the late, disgusting Al Goldstein…

“Republicans who voted against stripping Greene of her committee assignments…

Fuck you!

###

And finally…

This happened.

Look, I get that this is an historic photograph: the first openly gay person to hold a White House cabinet position, his loving husband by his side as he’s sworn in by the first woman, let alone woman of color, to hold the Vice Presidency. It’s a very big deal. And though I don’t want to just focus on the openly gay and loving husband and women of color aspects of it, I absolutely love the fact that people who are ignorant and hateful enough to be triggered by this will undoubtedly be triggered by it.

It’s magically delicious!

Having said that, I look forward to a time when we can finally just say we’ve got a new Vice President and a new Transportation Secretary, and that will be the whole story. Optimistically, I’d say we’re looking at another 50 years or so.
#SAD

###

Ending, as usual, on a positive note…
This week’s musical guest is Prince.
I’d have to go back and check, but I’d be extremely surprised if I hadn’t already posted The Purple One’s reDONKulous guitar solo on “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” at the 2004 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions. I may have also already posted this very cool mini doc about His Royal Badness performing at the 2007 Super Bowl Halftime show in a torrential Miami downpour. But this week I’m going with a stripped down acoustic performance from 2004 at Webster Hall in New York City. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there. I must have been busy working a double somewhere so I could earn enough to pay my rent and eat a slice of pizza that day. But man, have I always been grateful for having stumbled onto this video.
It’s Prince. Just Prince and his guitar and a mic and nothing else. And it’s soooooooo good. The super-crisp playing; the way he toys with the crowd; his hilarious creative revelation in the middle; just everything about it… simply flawless.
As Dave Grohl once said,

“Prince was better than everyone else at everything, next question.”

Dig it…

Peace, y’all.

Leave a Reply