This week: We celebrate an old friend with some Wonder-ful music; Eddie sits out the first few hands, though technically he stands out; Cockman and Clayton go head to head more than once; we laugh even more than usual, and at made-up things that are even weirder than usual; and we play cards that we bet money on.
(Game Day: January 22nd, 2024)
“Hamma New Year!”
Strap yourselves in. The first game of 2024 was a doozy.
Robin was first through the door with a fine bottle of wine that didn’t live to see the end of the night.
Eddie, Clayton, and Joe showed up soon after. Like a menstrual cycle after prom night, Cockman was unfortunately late, and Eddie had some kind of stomach cramp (also possibly menstrual) that forced him to lean up against the kitchen counter seeking relief while the rest of us did what only the best of friends would do: ignore his pain and play 4-handed for a while.
I (J.R.) won the first hand of the night with a BEE-U-T-full, and very natural straight flush, which regular readers of the Hammadown may recall, I also got late in our previous EBPG.
As has somehow been the case of late at the EBPG, the queens were out in force…
Cockman occupied our territory at 7:40. He brought the usual dozen assorted cookies from Insomniac only to discover that Clayton had also brought a dozen assorted cookies from Insomniac. I’d love to say we didn’t finish 2 dozen assorted cookies from Insomniac… so I will.
But it didn’t take long for Cockman to show Clayton who was the cookie-boss at the table. Clayton put the Hammadown early in one hand and Cockman followed along, eventually sweeping a hefty pot with a nicely hidden boat. And that’s what you get for trying to steal Cockman’s cookie thunder.*
*Do not Google “Cockman’s Cookie Thunder.” You won’t like what you see.
Unfortunately for Cockman (if that is his real name) he wasn’t lucky all night. In a game of “Chicago” (high hand splits with the low spade in the hole) he got the double shit-end of the stick when his Queen-high flush lost to my King-high flush and his very low 4 of spades lost to Eddie’s very lower 3 of spades.
As Maxwell Smart would say…
Missed it by that much.
As usual, Eddie could be counted on to get the laughter started…
Guy #1: Where’d you get that corpse?
Guy #2: The morgue. They’re having a dead giveaway.
A full 15 minutes went by before Cockman suggested a weed break – a possible record. We had no papers or even a pipe. And since I didn’t get the bong I wanted for Christmas (F you, Santa!) we had to make due with an old school “toilet paper roll with an aluminum foil bowl.” With extreme pressure come the greatest solutions.
It wasn’t lost on any of us that it was almost 5 years to the day that our brother from a DEE-troit mother cashed in his chips for the last time on this funkadelic mothership called Earth.
Based on the contents of his chip well, our friend would have been bitterly disappointed that not one of us had rolling papers this night, let alone two packs of them.
And here’s one more pic for good measure. An OG “Eddie Brill Poker Game” line-up gathered at my wedding in 2008.
When he was but a young lad, William’s family called him “Stevie,” which is why the musical joy making its way into our earholes throughout the night was Stevie Wonder, and nuthin’ but Stevie Wonder.
Rest In Funk, WS.
We return now to the Hammadown already in progress…
Somebody at the table won a hand with three of a kind, which is also called “trips,” but this person mistakenly called them “triples.” After that, we couldn’t stop saying “triples.” Before too long, that somehow gave birth to a character named “Triples The Clown.” Don’t ask me how. I think it had something to do with the added affects of smoking weed through a toilet paper roll. We all wondered what the hell kind of act “Triples The Clown” might have, but we were in full agreement that it would likely be a mistake to hire him for a children’s party.
After that, we somehow crafted a desperate future for Triples in which he’s forced to attempt a comeback by starring in a multi-camera sitcom called “Triples The Fucked Up Clown.”
That’s pretty much the entire pitch, but we expect a network bidding war on the ‘morrow.
I believe a prediction or two was made as to the outcome of certain hands, which prompted Eddie to say that he himself is a predictor, and that he comes from a long line of predictors. His father was a predictor. His father’s father was a predictor. “In fact,” said Eddie, “I predict that my son will be a predictor.”
Time will tell.
Deep thought overtook us and we wondered why there was never a cereal called “Unlucky Charms.” Everyone immediately jumped in to contribute to the slogan. We landed on…
Pink Turds, Yellow Kidneys, Dead Clovers…
They’re Repulsively Atrocious!
Clayton didn’t know that the game we call “Dollar Bob” (professionally known as Omaha hi-lo) was named after my father. (See above wedding photo.) It also happens to be the name of my corporation: DollarBob, Inc.
Eddie was incorporated at one point as well, and named his “Everything But The Kitchens, Inc.”
I added that I once provided a good name for a friend’s corporation: Chapter 11, Inc.
And Joe immediately came up with this gem: Unlimited Limited, LLC.
Cockman was bragging about what a good dog he has, claiming the dog was once in his apartment for way too long by accident and had to take a dump, but he had the good sense to actually do it in Cockman’s bathroom.
What he left out was that the dog left a floater and then wiped his ass on the bedspread.
Who’s a good boy?!
Cockman contributes to the comedy with a quick, unexpected parody of Chic’s Le Freak…
Ahhhh… free gout!
Then Eddie turned it into an infomercial featuring Chic’s now 71-year-old leader…
Ahhhh… free gout!
(Turn to camera) Hi. I’m Nile Rogers.
The best hand possible is called “The Nut.” Sometimes, two players have the same pair, so it comes down to who has the best “kicker”—the highest card other than the pair. In one such hand I had a pair of tens with an Ace, which I announced was “the nut kicker,” which made us all laugh like school children.
Eddie rattled off a few jokes he doesn’t do anymore, but he should…
– We guarantee you’ll lose everything or your money back.
– I got a new shower caddy. He tells which soap to use on each hole.
Which reminded me of one of my favorite Sarah S. jokes…
How often would you say you kiss your mother? You know… on the whole.
Toward the end of the night, several players were in a hand all the way to the the end despite the fact that they all had truly awful hands…
JR: This hands are so bad, they’re feet.
(Small: 5 cards, all up. Big: 7 cards, all up)
SMALL: Joe steals it with Kings and 4’s over my Queens and Jacks.
BIG: J.R.’s streak of winning at least one of the showdowns moves to three weeks in a row with a formidable Ace’s boat.
The next game will be… tonight! The first time in a very long time that we will have played 2 weeks in a row.
Oh, happy day!
Oh, even happier day!