Monologue

My New Year’s Dump

By January 1, 2021 January 3rd, 2021 4 Comments

This week: “Happy new year” or “shitty old year”?; Will 2021 be an awkward rebound year or America’s chance to have crazy make-up sex with itself?; 10 semi-random things we might actually be able to look forward to; And if 2020 was a music video, I think I found that video.
Dig it… 

This week: “Happy new year” or “shitty old year”?; Will 2021 be an awkward rebound year or America’s chance to have crazy make-up sex with itself?; 10 semi-random things we might actually be able to look forward to; And if 2020 was a music video, I think I found that video.

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We made it!
That good-for-nuthin’ Slava’s Shitshow of a year is now officially behind us. Unfortunately, my confidence in our world actively pursuing a more positive future was severely undermined when the first thing I saw after watching the ball drop on 2020 was Carson Daly tossing to the Goo Goo Dolls performing “Iris” from 1998. They literally had 22 years of music to choose from but they landed on the B-side of Generation Y’s high school break-up mix tape. Way to help put the past behind us, NBC!
But we made it.
Of course, like every year, we don’t just automatically feel better at the moment. Normally, on January 1st, you’re nursing a hangover from the night before. This time we’re all nursing a hangover from the last 366 abominable days. Because remember, 2020 wasn’t just the worst year of everyone’s life – and that includes people who died in 2019 – it was a leap year! I think we can all agree the sun really fucked with us by not just picking up the damn pace on its own for once. I was considering a standard (though extremely clever) recap of the previous year, but if ever there was a time to not look back, it’s now. In the words of Enzo Ferrari

So join me, won’t you, in snapping off the rear view mirrors of our lives and throwing them out the window over the side of a bridge that spans a bottomless gorge lined with the unspeakably noxious memories of an atrocious and, yes, deplorable year.
Forsooth! Let the battle cry of 2021 ring out!

“Bloodshot eyes, Vacant hearts, Muddle through!”

Perhaps not the most inspiring motto in human history, but it’s the best I can honestly do at the moment.
So, let’s look ahead at what will hopefully be a vast improvement.

1 – We will soon have a new president
Say goodbye to the deceitful, dyspeptic, braggadocios, xenophobic scandalmonger who constantly projects his obvious faults onto everyone and everything around him. And goodbye to his feckless toadies, particularly the one who has an ugly wife and a father who killed JFK. And goodbye to his unfathomably overconfident ninnyhammer offspring who live in constant fear of being rejected by daddy or, in Ivanka’s case, uncomfortably cherished.

Still gross.

Also, we soon will have a president who experiences and acts upon compassion, who will prioritize climate change let alone believe in it, who will not call less affluent countries “shitholes,” who will not brag about assaulting women, who will not cost taxpayers 150 million dollars to hit a ball into a hole instead of doing his fucking job, and who will not mock the physically challenged or lash out at any “very long and steepramps that expose a debility we can assume is related to his long dormant bone spurs.
I have great confidence that Joe Biden will soon restore dignity to the office. Though at this point I’d say the same thing if our president-elect was Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Still more dignified than Donald Trump.

2 – We might actually get to pry the senate gavel from Mitch McConnell’s clammy, live hands

Voters in Georgia will decide this week if they prefer to be represented by optimistic human people rather than self-interested androids hardwired to their own net worth. The result could give democrats control of the Senate and finally leave this overly powerful turtle-turd struggling in vain on his political back with no one to help him up.

3 – We might all have access to effective coronavirus vaccines
The only question is who should get the vaccine first and how long should the line behind them stretch out before it gets to Vanilla Ice?

4 – We won’t have to wear masks…. eventually.
The CDC
, which is actively ignored by dumbshits and their leaders, says everyone should continue wearing masks and practicing social distancing probably through the summer and maybe even longer if/when those same dumbshits routinely ignore that advice. But health experts are confident that when 50 to 70 percent of the population (+ or – Vanilla Ice) are vaccinated, we should be able to relax if not end that rule.
So get ready to be out in public and have face recognition work on your iPhone again! Also, you might not die.
Oh, the convenience!

5 – People in four more states will be able to legally smoke weed with me.
And just in the nick of time. If there’s one thing America needs right now it’s multiple bong hits.
Travel will still be restricted for a while, but if you can make it to Montana or New Jersey in January, Arizona in April, or South Dakota in July, you might want to bring rolling papers and your own stash of salty snacks, because something tells me convenience store shelves might be empty.

And for a few more non-political things to look forward to…

6 – Already crazy-ass pictures of space are about to get even crazy-asser.
On October 31, right around the time you start rifling through your kids’ halloween candy for the choice Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and mini 100 Grand bars, the James Webb Space Telescope will be launched into, well… space. Sure, the Hubble Space Telescope revealed spectacular billowing clouds of dust and gas where stars are born (BOR-ING!) but The WebbyScope (as I’m now pretending it’s going to be called) is 100 times stronger and will be able to see what the universe looked like over 13 billion years ago. So basically, the stars behind the stars that are behind these stars…

No.
The other stars.
Off to the left.
And when you wish upon one of those stars, any arrest of a recently former president your heart desires will come… to… you.

7 & 8 – Dinner and a movie.
And I’m not talking about Blue Apron and Netflix. I’m talking about a neighborhood restaurant and an actual theater with sticky floors and those bad-ass recliners that make it hard not to fall asleep in the first ten minutes of almost any movie. It’s not all good, of course. For instance, I live in New York City, so that particular night out typically means nearly 200 out-of-pocket if I bring my whole family. Bit of a speed bump there. And I know most of us have big screen, high-def TV’s with surround sound, and that if you put white truffle oil on your homemade popcorn you’ll forget movie popcorn ever existed, but some movies are just meant to be seen in a theater…

Yowsa!
Sting must watch this trailer and think, “I definitely should have waited.”

9 – The EU’s (noble intention to issue a) ban on single use plastics
Back in 2019, the EU voted overwhelmingly to ban single-use plastic items such as plates, cutlery, straws and, I assume, those little swords that hold the pimento stuffed olive on top of what passes for hors d’oeuvres at a party thrown by an uncultured cretin. And they really want to finalize the ban. They really do! The only problem is that some people – let’s call them “uber-rich titans of the plastic industry and the lobbyists and politicians who represent them” – are super keen to redefine what “plastic” is. Specifically, they want to make sure the little plastic things they sell aren’t on the banned list of little plastic things you’re not supposed to sell anymore. For instance, that little cup you used once and then threw in the ocean for a small crab to get stuck in?…

That’s not plastic. That’s obviously an environmentally friendly convenience product constructed of a high-grade polymer made from natural gas, cellulose and/or plant-based starches!
Despite this, some version of the ban is bound to go into effect by the end of the year, and hopefully it will be one of many steps we take to make sure we won’t soon be able to walk across the Pacific Ocean on a floating bridge made of non-plastic plant-based cellulose polymers.

Maybe now is a good time to do something.

And finally…

10 – Our kids might be able to go back to school full time.
Translation: Stay-at-home mommys and daddys everywhere can resume their semi-secret day-drinking habit. Would our now-tax-deductible “three martini and a box of triscuits” lunches-in-bed have helped us get through 2020? Yes. Yes they would have. But would they have helped our kids learn three digit multiplication in the next room? I’m gonna say “probably not.” But don’t call your local liquor store just yet. We might still be lookin’ at next fall at the earliest. So… bottoms down!

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Ending, as usual, on a (semi) positive note…
This week’s musical guest is Shadow, feat. Run The Jewels.
I have no idea who Mr’s “Shadow” and “The Jewels” are but,
HO
LEE
SHIT!
This video!
It came out in 2016, but I didn’t see it until last year.

SIDENOTE: Man, doesn’t it feel good to say “last year”?

The lyrics are perhaps a tad aggressive. In “mouth terms” I would describe them as “potty.” But the groove is, as they say, a “stone” one. And the video is not only amazingly shot and 100% riveting, but also, quite unfortunately, a direct reflection of the political tone purposefully set over the past 4 years by Donald “Don’t let your giant ass get jammed in the doorframe on your way out” Trump. He’s an awful person and I can’t wait to see him go.
Normally I have a personal story to go along with the musical guest. This time not so much. It just seems to fit at the moment. Though I will say that the song was featured in the surprisingly good movie, Booksmart, and helped make one scene, in particular, go from fantastic to supercalifragilisticexpiali-fantastic. And yes, Booksmart came out in 2019 and is a coming-of-age movie about two girls graduating from high school, but dammit… this 56-year-old man thought it was amazing. There. There’s my personal story.
Now strap yourselves in.
And dig it…

Peace, y’all!

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