Monologue

Week of August 10

By August 14, 2020 August 27th, 2020 No Comments

This week: Our current president is definitely not a mountain man; When exactly did World War 2 end? Depends on which dummy you ask; Russia has a COVID vaccine! But only if you ask Russia; Kamala Harris is at least part black and that makes racists fully nervous; And it’s 3 months until the election. Do you know where your mailbox is?
Dig it…

This week: Our current president is definitely not a mountain man; When exactly did World War 2 end? Depends on which dummy you ask; Russia has a COVID vaccine! But only if you ask Russia; Kamala Harris is at least part black and that makes racists fully nervous; And it’s 3 months until the election. Do you know where your mailbox is?

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File this first story under “U” for “Ugh! What a Grotesque Dipshit!)”
Following our pre-lame duck president’s no-masks-required gathering of fellow dipshits in South Dakota, it was revealed that White House aides had reached out to Governor Kristi Noem last year about the process of adding additional presidents to Mount Rushmore. I can only assume part of their pitch was that the next guy they want to put on there is already dumb as a rock.

Gross

That’s just what the majesty of Mount Rushmore needs to make it feel complete – the enduring image of a rotting orange covered with spaghetti sitting on an iguana’s neck.
If the other presidents in that photo had hands they’d all be flipping him off.

During his trip to the historic monument in July, Trump was reportedly asked to name the presidents on Mount Rushmore and he replied, “Ummm… One Dollar Bill, Two Dollar Bill, Mustache Guy, and Five Dollar Bill.” Then he accidentally locked himself in a port-o-pottie for several hours.
#ActualFakeNews

Actually, it turns out Trump is already represented on Mount Rushmore if you count the chaotic pile of rocks at the bottom.

Of course, despite direct quotes from the ass-kissing, COVID-ignoring Governor Noem, Defensive Donald battled it out with Inflated-Ego Donald on Twitter where the unstable philistine called the story “fake news” anda good idea” in the same, inconceivably dumb sentence.

In case you’ve forgotten, here are a few other actual things that sounded like a good idea to Donald Tump, but, as it turns out, we’re not:

And rounding out the “seems like a good idea” list: saying that some Neo-Nazis are “very fine people,” dismissing the coronavirus until it was way too late, and posing for this incredibly creepy “family” photo.

Even the parrot is throwing up

OH! And I almost forgot! He also said of accused child sex trafficker, Ghislaine Maxwell: “I wish her well.”
To quote C&C Music Factory (and why wouldn’t I?!) it’s one of those Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

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On to the latest in…

Demonstrably Idiotic Things Donald Trump Has Said About The Coronavirus Pandemic

For months now, the half-wit who thinks remembering the words “person, woman, man, camera, TV” makes him a full-wit has been repeatedly claiming the Spanish Flu pandemic started in 1917, and also imagining, somehow, that it “probably ended World War 2.”
Here’s the the problem – or problems, as is so often the case with the sewage that erupts from DumbDumb’s talking hole.
1: The Spanish Flu started in 1918, as is well-documented in many documents as well as several documentaries.
And 2: World War 2, as anyone who paid any attention in school following the 3rd grade knows, did not even officially begin until 1939 just after “German Trump” invaded Poland.

At a White House briefing on Monday to discuss the current pandemic, the president who cannot not tell a lie pulled a two-fer. “The closest thing (to the coronavirus) is in 1917,” he said wrongly, yet again. “It certainly was a terrible thing where they lost anywhere from 50 to 100 million people,” or more accurately, an estimated 50 million worldwide and 5 million in the U.S., “and probably ended the Second World War.”
It was the first time in the history of presidential White House briefings that the press corps unanimously asked if they could please speak to somebody else.

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On Tuesday, Russia became the first country to clear a coronavirus vaccine and declare it ready for use, with President Vladimir Putin emphasizing that the vaccine has undergone all necessary tests and has proven to offer a lasting immunity from the coronavirus! But good luck trying to actually confirm that without being mysteriously poisoned.
How Putin can say something that’s only been in use for 2 months can offer “a lasting immunity” is certainly questionable, but no more questionable than the time he confirmed there are “no gays in Chechnya” even though the region’s leader seemed to have no issues with wearing this suit in public.

Ramzan Kadyrov: leader of “gayless” Chechnya

Putin also claims that one of his daughters has already been inoculated with the vaccine. “She has taken part in the experiment,” he said, displaying a level of compassion that can only come from a father who volunteers his children for highly speculative medical testing.

Russia has officially registered 897,599 coronavirus cases, including 15,131 deaths, but those numbers are confirmed only by the Kremlin, so there’s a margin of error of plus-or-minus seven thousand percent.

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As I noted with an extremely average level of clairvoyance in last week’s FRIDAY RANT, Joe Biden chose Senator Kamala Harris as his running mate, and, as I would have guessed if I could stomach the thought of it, the racist outbursts started almost immediately.
Helping other assholes lead the way was (sigh!) the President of the United States, who has repeatedly refused to reject a claim made by what he calls “a very highly qualified, very talented lawyer” that Harris isn’t eligible to serve as vice president because neither of her parents were naturalized U.S. citizens when she was born.

BIRTHER ALERT!
BIRTHER ALERT!

“I have no idea if that’s right,” said Trump, displaying, as always, his penchant for believing that his own ignorance is somehow a weapon against the truth. He could just as easily and far more accurately have said that the statement is demonstrably wrong! But that would require him to have knowledge of the U.S. Constitution, which he’s been wiping his fat, pimply ass with since January 20, 2017.

The other examples are numerous, but perhaps the most jaw-dropping comes from Barry Presgraves, the mayor of Luray, Virginia, (population: dumb) who recently shared a meme on Facebook that referred to Kamala Harris as “Aunt Jemima.”
The post has since been deleted (surprise!) which is a drag because I’d love to know what those 15 comments are.
Probably a lot of “LOL” and “You crack me up, Barry! #WhitePower.” But I hold out hope that at least one of them was similar to…

“Enjoy the rest of your sad, hateful, unemployable life, you disgraceful low-grade cheese log of a human.”

The Mayor said he thought the meme “was funny” which would make sense if he also thought 12 Years a Slave was a comedy. And he might! But in the words of our president, “I have no idea if that’s right.”
Presgraves has since apologized, but not before insisting the post wasn’t racist and then uttering the extremely unhelpful but 100% real direct quote, “I ate Aunt Jemima all my life.”
It’s literally the racist version of “I have a lot of black friends,” which is already racist!

What the fuck is wrong with people like Barry Presgraves? And how do they become Mayor of any city with a population of more than 1?
Speaking of which, Presgraves has said he is not seeking re-election, which is good since re-election is definitely not seeking Presgraves.

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And finally, in “Who Needs Russia’s Help To Ruin An Election?” news…

The United States Postal Service has started reducing operating hours across several states and hauling away mailboxes on random, unmarked trucks that might be owned by a government agency, but could just as easily belong to “Frank,” the guy who lives just outside of town, wears plaid button-down shirts with the sleeves cut off, has a doormat that says “Don’t Tread On Me,” watches NASCAR while sitting in a kiddie pool eating expired hot dogs, and wears a MAGA hat he doesn’t realize (or care!) was made in China.

This might be “Frank’s” truck.

Of course, this is happening smack dab in the middle of Trump’s overheated battle against mail-in voting that I’m surprised hasn’t yet devolved into President Dimwit claiming the process in un-American and insisting on seeing mail-in voting’s long form birth certificate.

Despite this, the fraudster in a fat suit is actively encouraging supporters in several swing states to vote using absentee ballots, which are exactly the same thing, unless you count being completely wrong as proof that you’re right. (Side note: That doesn’t count.)

But Trump’s insistence that people be as preposterously harebrained as he is has its limits. In Florida, for instance, where people now go to die regardless of their age, The Conald is not only encouraging mail-in voting, he and the First (mail order) Lady have requested their own mail-in ballots for Florida’s upcoming primary, I guess because the last thing the president has time for is actually traveling to Florida to participate in democracy.

Terrible person

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As usual, we end on a positive note with this week’s musical guest, Joni Mitchell.
Last year, before the world went to shit in a shit-basket, Netflix released a documentary called “Rolling Thunder Revue: A Bob Dylan Story by Martin Scorsese.” (Watch it the second you’re done watching this clip. If you don’t have Netflix, use your mother’s password.) It was an almost mockumentary style behind-the-scenes look at a surreal sort of traveling musical carnival featuring Dylan, of course, and a brilliantly eclectic variety of musician friends. Though there are many highlights in the film (Dylan performing the epic “Hurricane” is definitely one of them) the scene that captured me particularly featured Mitchell, who was described in one review as “the rare person who seems to intimidate Dylan.”
Prepare yourself for fantabulous transfixiation.

Peace, y’all.

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