Election Week Dump

This week: There’s a new president in town and he’s not a corpulent blowhard; A corpulent blowhard refuses to concede to the new president; Donald Trump isn’t the only intolerable, sub-human being who won’t be allowed in the White House soon; It’s pronounced “COMMA-la,” bitches; And several states take huge strides in making it easier to get the drugs we’ll need to truly recover from the past four years.

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Well, I’m fucking exhausted. Are you?
As happy as I am with the (current) results of the election, turns out the biggest problem with the last four years is that I’m so mentally and physically spent that I’ll probably end up sleeping through the next four years. Sooo… I guess just wake me up when Kamala Harris is president.
But until I pass out, I’ll gladly enjoy a level of relief and joy that I haven’t seen since Maggie from Caddy Shack found out she wasn’t actually “late for not bein’ pregnant!”

All that remains is to sit back and grapple with the crippling fear that Donald Trump’s tiny, filthy hand is going to burst up through the rubble of democracy and jolt us out of the beautiful dream a record-breaking 75 million of us are sharing right now.
I just can’t help but be skeptical. I’m filled with skepticism. I’m skeptifurious about what we’ve been subjected to over the past four years. And nothing has me more skeptified than the fact that over 70 million people voted for a bilious pantaloon.
We haven’t been this split as a nation since half of you dummies thought that dress was white and gold when it was clearly black and navy blue.
You dummies.
It didn’t help at all that early Wednesday morning, obviously well before all the votes were counted, President MouthFart openly announced that he had won the election.
In other words…

Trump declares victory the same way I assume he ejaculates: prematurely.

Technically, it’s known as “Premature Etabulation.”
But despite a transition that will probably go as smoothly as a middle school production of Ben Hur, one utterly fantastic thing to keep in mind is that the President will not be leaving on his own.

These horrible people, and so many more like them, will also hit the bricks they’ve been picking up and throwing at the world for the past four years. And it brings up so many questions!

• Where will all the flies in the White House land now?
• What handsome, young couple will have sex there without smiling?
• What will become of the #BeBest campaign that never really existed in the first place?
• Which yacht will Betsy DeVos sail away on while not giving a rat’s ass about the damage she’s done?
• Will Stephen Miller ever find another job that will allow him to be this openly horrible?
• Will Donald Jr. and Eric please just punch each other in the face already?
• And will Kellyanne Conway finally melt into her dress never to be seen again?

The answer to all these questions is, of course, “Who gives a shit?!” The only thing that really matters is that the door actually does hit them all in the ass on the way out.
Of course, Trump himself is about as likely to leave peacefully as Tony Montana after shoving his face into a mound of uncut cocaine. His Twitter feed reads like the hastily written manifesto of a delusional chowderhead. But more on that next week. For now, as the kids say…

I can’t even…

So, in the unlikely event that Rudy Giuliani has somehow tricked us all and actually launched a justified and rational investigation from within the long shadow of Four Seasons Total Landscaping (located conveniently within spitting distance of a sexy dildo store and a crematorium)… then it’s out with the chode and in with the new!

America’s next two presidents.

Of course, as anyone with stupefied ears and a flabbergasted soul knows, instead of conceding the election with humility and a sense of what is truly best for the country, President Sore Loserman is still spewing the same democracy-undermining idea that, quote,

“The only way we’re going to lose this election is if the election is rigged.”

And I believe the only reasonable way to react to such a ridiculous and destructive statement is to say… thank God the election was rigged!
Way to go, Do-Nothing Democrats! You finally did something!
And I have to assume that Trump is not nearly as surprised that the Democrats were able to ingeniously rig a national presidential election without leaving any signs of having done so, as he is that they were somehow able to do it without Russia’s help.

So, while the Putting Putz and his enabling cronies have no doubt been using this distraction to run around the White House desperately shredding evidence of their continuous failures, our newly and non-riggingly elected leaders held a huge rally with fireworks that would burn Trump’s eyes, a solid playlist that he wouldn’t recognize if someone hit him over his fat, spaghetti head with it, and speeches that made his incoherent ramblings sound like incoherent ramblings mainly because they’re never anything short of being incoherent ramblings.

You saw the Biden and Harris speeches. I’ll spare you the recap. But it turns out presidents and vice presidents can actually possess and express actual compassion and articulate non-venomous thoughts.
I’d almost forgotten that. Silly me.

Suffice to say that spectacular history was made in more ways than one when the first female-of-color to be elected to the vice presidency of our nearly 250-year-old nation took the stage blaring Mary J. Blige’s “Work That” and dressed head to toe in “Suffrage White,” which, if it’s not already on the Benjamin Moore color wheel, will be after January 20th.

How ya like me now, Proud Boys?

Oh, and more good news: there’s going to be a non-third-wife pet in the White House again.

This one is “Champ.” And they have another German Shepard named “Major.” I don’t know why Major’s not in the photo, but I assume it’s because they recently sold him off to a canine bestiality ring being run out of a pizza parlor.
We may never know.
Still… cool pic. And fun to think of what this dog would do to Donald Trump if he got the chance and didn’t pass out from the smell first.

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But let’s not forget that last Tuesday wasn’t just presidential election day. There were a lot of other super-fun things to vote for if you simply turned the page, including drugs, drugs, and more drugs.