Two years ago, I submitted to write for The Break with Michelle Wolf because I love her comedy and knew it would be a very good show. These were the monologue jokes I wrote for her at the time, so think of Michelle as you read them.
“Submission to The Break with Michelle Wolf”
This week marks Valentine’s Day!…
So to all you fellas who plan on proposing to your girlfriends in public using a flash mob… don’t. Just don’t. Find a nice spot in the park and ask her there. Give her at least the option of saying no without ruining both of your lives.
Also, and this is very important, if you see me walking out of a Duane Reade with six heart-shaped boxes of Russell Stover chocolates, know that it’s because I have six different gentlemen callers, and it has nothing to do with sadness.
The Pyeongchang Winter Olympics opened dramatically this week with athletes from North and South Korea marching into the stadium together under a united flag that, unfortunately,
looks a lot like a gun. Sort of a mixed message there. And of course, now that Donald Trump has seen this, he wants his own flag that looks like a gun, because he’s a petulant child.
Vice President and reluctant chick magnet, Mike Pence, attended the opening ceremonies and refused to stand when the Koreans marched in, but I’ll bet you a million dollars that something else on him stood up when that guy from Tonga marched in.
I have no idea what sport that guy plays, but if it has anything to do with slathering cocoa butter on yourself, look for him to bring home the gold… and the silver… and, like, seven figure skaters. Doesn’t matter what sex they are.
Billionaire Elon Musk successfully launched a Tesla Roadster into orbit, which makes it official! Elon Musk has completed the ultimate example in male overcompensation. Not only did he launch a giant penis-shaped rocket ship into space, he actually tied a 250-thousand dollar little red sports car to the front of it. The only thing missing is a leather jacket, a bad toupee and a 19-year-old Serbian model who hates it when you touch her!
Musk said, “I love the thought of a car drifting endlessly through space and perhaps being discovered by an alien race millions of years in the future.” As if when they found it those aliens would be like, “Hey, is that a Tesla? I’ve heard good things.”
Instead, they’d probably be like, “Where the fuck am I supposed to plug this thing in?!”
The NBA Trade Deadline saw some major changes to the league’s rosters, most notably the Cleveland Cavaliers. The consensus on the draft seems to be that Cleveland has dramatically improved their chances of winning a second championship. (L3 chyron: “Michelle doesn’t actually watch basketball”) To begin with, they replaced Isiah Thomas with a point guard rotation of George Hill and Jordan Clarkson. (L3 chyron: “She’s reading this to keep male viewers from switching over to ESPN”) They’ve also added more shooting with Rodney Hood on the wing. And as if that’s not enough, (L3 chyron: “Thank you for staying with us during these trying times.”) they’ve brought in more explosiveness in the frontcourt with Larry Nance Jr.
Anyway, that’s baseball for ya! (L3 chyron: “Nooooooooooo!!”)
By the way, I’m not usually one to actively seek out signs that we’re still living in a patriarchal society, but when i googled “2018 W-NBA trade deadline” here’s what came up.
(HIGHLIGHT THE “DID YOU MEAN” SECTION)
That’s the actual thing that came up. That’s like googling “vagina” and having Google ask “Did you mean ‘penis’?” No! I meant “vagina”! If I wanted to find out more about penises I wouldn’t google “penis”…which I’ve actually done… and it was a huge mistake… but I’ll probably do it again.
A couple who spent their life savings on a boat with the hopes of living on the water saw their dreams dashed when the boat capsized and sank on the second day of their maiden voyage.
Ohhhh, but that first day… (KISSES FINGERS) magical!
By the way, this couple that spent their “life savings” were 24 and 26-years-old. Nobody has a “life savings” in their mid-20’s. At best you have a decent shoe collection and a bunch of rolled up pennies. If you’re in your mid-20’s and you just spent what you call your “life savings” on a boat, you should expect that boat to sink! You almost certainly just bought a shitty boat. You know those boats you see on playgrounds that aren’t really boats but just look like boats so kids can crawl around on them pretending they’re on a boat? These people wish they had that boat.
The couple said they did this because they wanted to “leave the rat race behind.” She booked timeshare tours, and he was an Uber driver. And they wanted to leave the rat race? That’s like signing up for a marathon and then after the first mile being like, “Fuck this! I’m gonna buy a boat!”
Coke and Pepsi are shaking things up with new lines of flavors, threatening to reignite the Cola wars. Next month, Pepsi will release a flavored water called “Bubly” that they say has, quote, “an upbeat and playful sense of humor”. It’s the kind of marketing jargon that can only be written by someone with a, quote, “depressing and suicidal lack of humor.” But that’s okay. It’s all just part of the super-creative process of selling water to humans.
“Bubly” promises not only to quench your thirst and taste great, but also teach kids how not to spell.
Packaging for each flavor comes with its own greeting on the tab, such as: “yo,” “hey u” and “hiiii,” which I actually think is kinda cute. But I’m also terribly threatened by it because I don’t like knowing that I’m not nearly as personable as a can of flavored water.
Not to be outdone, Coca-Cola has launched their own line of exciting new Diet Coke flavors including “Ginger Lime,” “Twisted Mango,” annnnd I’ve already lost interest.
Donald Trump, the President of the United States, and, I assume, the He-Man Woman Hater’s Club, said recently that men accused of assaulting women are being denied due process, because when it comes to sexual assault and domestic violence, Donald Trump’s stance is firm: innocent until well after you’ve been proven guilty.
Most recently, White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter was forced to resign after one of his ex-wives – but just the one – released a photo of herself with a black eye, which Porter claims was an “accident”. But here’s the thing. He didn’t go with “she fell” or “she ran into a wall” or “a water buffalo threw a rock at her” – you know… the classics! He claimed it happened when the couple was on vacation in Venice and “quarreled over a Venetian glass vase”, which, to me, means he’s good at two things: throwing a punch and telling a bullshit story.
Part of Porter’s defense is that he actually took the picture himself. Like he wants a photo credit! “Yeah, my wife had a black eye that may or may not have been the result of my fist, but you have to admit I captured it beautifully on film.”
But when our president hears this story, he immediately sides with the man. A woman could get assaulted while dressed in a space suit and Donald Trump’s reaction would be “Look what she’s wearing!” The president has resisted condemning Porter almost as hard as Porter’s ex-wives resisted being definitely assaulted by him. I think I’ve figured out the real reason Trump was so upset with Al Franken. It wasn’t because he allegedly groped a woman. It was because he didn’t go the extra mile and punch her in the eye.