Monologue

March 2018

By January 14, 2020 January 21st, 2020 No Comments

When I submitted to The Late Show, 15 out of 18 of their writers were white males. Hell, I’m not even sure (ME)TWO of their writers were women, let alone women of color. So there was a pretty good chance they’d probably go in a different direction, but I sure had fun writing the jokes anyway.
What are you waiting for?!

“Submission to The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

(STEPHEN)
I’VE GOT SOME VERY SAD NEWS, AUDIENCE. IT PAINS ME TO HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT I’D RATHER YOU HEAR IT FROM ME THAN ON TWITTER AT 3 IN THE MORNING – DONALD TRUMP HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN PLANNING HIS 2020 RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN.
(http://aol.it/2t2io3f)
I KNOW! I KNOW!
I’M AS EXCITED AND/OR HORRIFIED AS YOU ARE.
I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT IN THE YEAR 2020, OUR ABILITY TO SEE THROUGH DONALD TRUMP WILL BE AT LEAST 20/20.
THOUGH, TO BE HONEST, A SECOND TERM MIGHT GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO ACTUALLY MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. YOU KNOW, LIKE IT WAS FOR – OH, I DON’T KNOW – THE 240 YEARS BEFORE HE TOOK OFFICE. GIVE OR TAKE.

THE BLOWHARD-IN-CHIEF HAS ACTUALLY TAKEN THE FIRST STEP IN WHAT WE CAN ONLY HOPE IS A LOST CAUSE, BY CHOOSING THE PERSON HE WANTS TO RUN HIS CAMPAIGN, AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, BUT NO, THAT PERSON’S NAME DOES NOT RHYME WITH “GLADIMIR TOOTIN”.
IT ACTUALLY IS
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: MOCKUP: VLADIMIR PUTIN IN A YANKEES HAT AND A HITLER MUSTACHE] GLADIMIR TOOTIN.
(ON CAM)
OF COURSE, NOT MUCH IS KNOWN ABOUT MR. TOOTIN EXCEPT THAT HE LOVES THE YANKEES BASEBALL SQUAD OF THE NEW YORK CITY… AND HE’S ALSO, APPARENTLY, A BIG FAN OF HITLER.
THAT LAST ONE MIGHT COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM, BUT IN THIS ADMINISTRATION, I’M HONESTLY NOT SURE IF LOVING HITLER IS A DEAL-BREAKER.
REMEMBER: THERE ARE SOME VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.

UNFORTUNATELY, THIS ISN’T A HUGE SURPRISE. I ASSUMED TRUMP WOULD RUN AGAIN, OF COURSE. I JUST THOUGHT HE’D PUT OFF ANNOUNCING IT UNTIL HE WAS DONE FIRING EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HIS CURRENT ADMINISTRATION.
SORRY. I MEANT TO SAY, “UNTIL THEY’VE ALL ‘RESIGNED’”. YOU KNOW, TO “SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEIR FAMILIES”, OR “PREPARE THEIR DEFENSE.”

THE LATEST VICTIM OF DONALD TRUMP’S VERY PERSONAL FIGHT AGAINST WHITE HOUSE EMPLOYMENT IS
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: HOPE HICKS]


COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, AND POSSIBLE RED SPARROW, HOPE HICKS.
(ON CAM)
HICKS’ SURPRISE RESIGNATION COMES JUST A DAY AFTER AN 8-HOUR GAME OF “TRUTH OR DARE-TO-TELL-LITTLE-WHITE-LIES” WITH THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE.
[TAKE: SOT: CHRIS MATTHEWS, HARDBALL, 2/28/2018, V/O OVER PULL-OUT FROM NYT: “According to the New York Times, she told house investigators that her work for President Trump had occasionally required her to tell white lies.”] (STEPHEN)
OR WHAT ARE ALSO KNOWN AS “LIES”.
YOU KNOW… THE KIND LIARS TELL.
OF COURSE, THE QUESTIONING WAS CLOSED DOOR, SO WE’RE NOT SURE EXACTLY WHAT THOSE WHITE LIES WERE, BUT IF I WERE A BETTING MAN…
(STEPHEN REACHES IN POCKET AND TAKES OUT HUGE BILLFOLD)
AND I AM…
(PEELS OFF A BILL WITH EACH “BET”)
I’D PUT AN ANDREW ON “HOW GIANT HIS HANDS ARE”,
A ULYSSES ON HIM BEING “EXACTLY 1 POUND UNDER ‘TECHNICALLY OBESE’”.
A BENJAMIN ON THAT WHOLE “WALL THING”,
AND THE REST OF IT ON (TRUMP) “NO COLLUSION… NONE. ZIP. ZIPPO – MY FAVORITE MARX BROTHER, BY THE WAY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE RUSSIA IS. THAT’S HOW LITTLE COLLUSION THERE WAS.”

ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY –
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS]


AND PERSON WHO DEFINITELY “SMELT IT”, BUT SEEMS UNCLEAR ON WHETHER OR NOT SHE “DEALT IT” – SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS,
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: PULL OUT FROM ARTICLE (http://nbcnews.to/2t777hM)] HICKS WANTS TO “SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER FAMILY”,
(ON CAM)
WHICH IN WASHINGTON D.C. USUALLY MEANS YOU’VE CHEATED ON YOUR WIFE.
BUT HICKS DOESN’T HAVE A WIFE, OR A HUSBAND, OR CHILDREN. AND SHE RECENTLY BROKE UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND, ROB PORTER, AFTER HIS TWO EX-WIVES CAME FORWARD TO ACCUSE HIM OF ABUSE.
SO, ACTUALLY, THE FAMILY THING MAKES SENSE, BECAUSE SHE DEFINITELY SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE WHO MIGHT WANT TO MOVE BACK IN WITH HER PARENTS.

AND FINALLY, BACK ON PLANET
(VO)
[TAKE: FF: DIGNIFIED PIC OF OBAMA] “WE ONCE HAD A PRESIDENT WE COULD LOOK UP TO”…
(ON CAM)
BARACK OBAMA, ONE OF NOW TWO PEOPLE OF COLOR TO OCCUPY THE WHITE HOUSE IF YOU INCLUDE THE COLOR ORANGE… TO SAY NOTHING OF THE YELLOW STREAK THAT RUNS DOWN OUR CURRENT OCCUPANTS BACK…
OBAMA SPOKE LAST WEEK AT A SPORTS POLICY CONFERENCE AT M.I.T., OR WHAT DONALD TRUMP CALLS (AS TRUMP) “MITT… OR MIGHT… OR… WHATEVER. I CAN TELL YOU THIS – IF I WENT THERE, I WOULD HAVE BEEN AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS. BECAUSE I’M VERY ‘SMIRT’. I HAVE A LOT OF INTELLIGENT.”
NOW, OBAMA’S REMARKS AT M.I.T. WERE TOTALLY OFF-THE-RECORD. TO GET IN, YOU HAD TO AGREE NOT TO RECORD THE EVENT IN ANY WAY. SO AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE… THERE’S A RECORDING.
AND YES, BARACK TOOK A THINLY-VEILED SHOT AT THE MAN WHO CURRENTLY RAGE-TWEETS WHERE HE ONCE CALM-SLEPT.
[TAKE: SOT: SOUNDCLOUD RECORDING OF OBAMA (24:11 – CLEAR BUT NEEDS CAPTIONS): “One of the things I’m proud of in my administration is the fact that we didn’t have a scandal that embarrassed us. (FLASH) I know that seems like a low bar, but… (BIG LAUGH FROM CROWD).” (http://bit.ly/2EVNLhm)] (STEPHEN)
SOLID BURN.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE ALL KNOW WHAT DONALD TRUMP DOES WITH LOW BARS.

[TAKE: SOT: MOCKUP TRUMP’S HEAD ON LIMBO IDIOT AT RESORT DANCING UNDER WAIST HIGH BAR AND CELEBRATING (http://bit.ly/2oE46Aa) SOUND DOWN A BIT FOR V/O] (VO)
HE GOES EVEN LOWER!
(ON CAM)
AND THE ONLY THING KEEPING HIM FROM GOING EVEN LOWER THAN THAT IS THE EXCESS OF FRIED CHICKEN THAT’S PERMANENTLY CONGEALED IN HIS GARGANTUAN DUMPER-CUSHIONS.

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