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Poker Story

Hammadown (Chapter 16)

By December 27, 2023No Comments

This week: I unearth yet another Ye Olden Hammadown—this one not quite as olden as the previous, but still… what’s with my laziness?!
Our queen gets kings. Cigar-shaped objects are distributed. Jingles jangle. Jokes are told—old and new. And actual poker is played at certain intervals throughout the night.
Dig it!

(Game Day: October 30th, 2023)

“‘Twas The Night Before Halloween”

Welcome to Episode Two of “Catching up With the Hammadowns.” Hell, I probably even missed one episode entirely considering there was 10 months in between this game and the last. Could it be true that we went so long without playing? I was gone for the whole summer, so, as Lili Von Shtupp might say, “It’s twue! It’s twue!” But soon, we’ll be all caught up with Hammadowns and ready for our first game of 2024.
Since my notes look like they were the work of a half-blind, quarter-sane man scrawled on the crumbling wall of a haunted Turkish prison, I can’t really make out what most of them were meant to convey, but here goes nuthin’.

Among the first through the door was historical EBPG staple and extremely welcome-back addition, Robin of Lovely, who brought a nice Rosé that I cracked open right away and she and I polished off like we were racing to the bottom. And it didn’t take long before our queen of the table pushed us around with quad Kings… wild cards be damned!

From what I can tell, most of those in attendance showed up on time, but Hank apparently strolled in at 8:04, grabbed a slice that he didn’t pay for, and pulled quad 8’s after I flopped a straight.
Super fun!

“Grandpa” Joe (newly crowned thanks to a long established Mulligan Family Breeding Program) was actually first through the door, and he didn’t wait too long before he broke out what I thought were real cigars, but were actually chocolate or some such shit. I think I smoked/ate 4 of them.
Okay, maybe 7.
Everybody did their best Groucho Marx impression, which only served to prove that none of us does a very good Groucho Marx impression.

We talked about favorite cartoons growing up. I’m guessing that I picked either Speed Racer, Road Runner, or pretty much anything with Bugs Bunny. Eddie’s favorite was something called Top Cat, mainly because of the super cool theme song, which I easily dug up thanks to “the Google,” and it turns, based on his theme song choice, that Eddie was indeed quite a hep cat.
Of course, nobody can argue that the best “adult show” theme song is and will always be the theme from Barney Miller.
I think Eddie and a few others might argue for the theme from The Rockford Files, but they would be wrong and I would be right… respectfully.

Eddie and Robin got into a conversation about a Mets pitcher named Kenny Rogers. I can’t remember a single thing about the actual conversation except that it led to a jingle for the same-named country singer’s chain of chicken restaurants to the tune of his chart-topping gambler-based song…

Know when to broil ’em!

We laughed at that probably far more than was warranted.

Poker was certainly played, of course, including a few rounds of the old classic, “Mr. CK’s Balls”—conceived of and named by Louis CK, but when he deals it, he calls it “My Father’s Balls.” But it was the kind of poker that would have made our dearly departed friend, Weeeyum, wish he departed even sooner. In other words, we fucked around way more than we actually dealt cards.

Eddie was dealing Ba-da-dada-da-da-la-da-da-dat-da-da where Hank had a choice between several cards including a couple of fours.

Hank: Cheap 4
Eddie: What did you call me?

Eddie than graced us with one of his oldies but goodies…

I hooked up with a horrible girl from Paris once. I’ll never forget. It was on Rue The Day I Met Her.

There was mention of our old friend, Jon Keim, for whom we all have feelings that warm the cockles of our hearts. And I think we can all agree, there’s nothing quite like hot cockles.
Cockman was the only one all night to “go both”… and he did it on the very last hand… and he lost… to Hank… who swept a huge pot… sort of like when he swept the first hand of the night after stealing our pizza.


(Small: 5 cards, all up. Big: 7 cards, all up)

SMALL: I don’t know. It wasn’t in my very messy notes.

BIG:  JR! My pair of 5’s somehow held up even in a 7 card game.

And so it ’twas.
And so it shall have been.

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