Week of Dec. 7

Nothing revs my engine in the morning quite like a good cup of espresso, a hard copy of The Modesto Bee, and maybe a line or two of premium cocaine cut with just the right amount of baby aspirin. This week, I skipped the cocaine (on advice of council) and went straight for my go-to California Central Valley news source which reported on a Politico/Morning Consult poll that revealed that 19% of respondents still believe Trump has a chance of overturning the election. It’s the first poll ever to have a 2% margin of error and a 19% likelihood of dumbshit responses.
But unlike Trump, the numbers don’t lie. wildly ridiculous numbers of people actually believe this. It must be like that feeling you get when your team is down 23-points with three minutes left in the 4th quarter and you start thinking, “Maybe if we get a touchdown and a 2-point conversion and then an onside kick and then another touchdown and then another 2-point conversion…” And by the time you’re done trying to figure out ways to pretend they didn’t get crushed and there’s nothing you can do about it, the clock has run down and your team lost by 23 points just like every rational person in the world knew they would!!
And just like your dumb, shitty football team, Trump lost.

But, of course, you’d never know it by reading through the unwavering brain-fart he calls his Twitter feed… particularly if you ignore the shockingly high number of tweets that are labeled with what, at this point, Trump should be legally required to say before every statement he makes…
Of course, because it’s nearly impossible to punish someone who thrives on punishment, our Prevaricator-in-Chief wears this warning like a badge of honor rather than the “Scarlet Phrase” it’s clearly meant to be.

Donald Trump has a Terminator-like determination when it comes to fooling his base into believing his lies, and bullying elected officials and certain recently favored “news” outlets into spreading them. If you prove his deceit to his face he would melt into a puddle of liquid metal and slither away under a closed door only to reform moments later with a whole new set of lies. It’s an admittedly cool party trick, but a horrible way to go through life.
Lest we forget – and we definitely lestn’t – this man who claims to constantly be the victim of conspiracy and fraud and lies basically made his debut in the political spotlight with the obviously false and blatantly racist claim that Barack Obama was not an American citizen. Although, in fairness to Trump… I mean, Hawaii? Come on. Is that even really a state?
Our current president doesn’t know what a lie is, because to him, lying is completely normal. He’s never not done it. Except back in 2016 when he called Lindsey Graham…

… a “disgrace,” a “nut job,” and “one of the dumbest human beings I’ve ever seen.” – Donald Trump, dickhead.

That was not only true, but uncharacteristically spot on.

And so, the country now has to deal with frivolous lawsuit after frivolouser lawsuit. Of the 50+ cases very recently filed in a vainglorious and shabby attempt to turnover the results of the election, at least 46 have been denied, dismissed, settled or withdrawn. And that is undoubtedly because they’re all preposterous cases and – lest we forget again- because the president’s legal team is run by a sewage-sweating sub-human disaster movie.

You were expecting somebody else?

And speaking of Rudy Giuliani, two things.

• One: It’s been reported that he is asking the White House for $20,000-a-day for his legal work which seems like a lot to ask unless that fee includes the rights to the oil reserves gushing from Rudy’s temples.
• And two: Rudy Giuliani has COVID. And the scariest thing about that is not that he’s been traipsing across the country holding joint press conferences with other lawyers and arguing dumb cases in packed courtrooms while never wearing a mask. The scariest thing is that COVID itself is apparently so indestructible that it doesn’t immediately die upon coming in contact with Rudy Giuliani.