Monologue

Week of Dec. 7

By December 11, 2020 December 12th, 2020 No Comments

This week: More Americans than you think are dumber than you think; Is Donald Trump a terminator sent here from the future to destroy us or a virtuous and respectful man destined for sainthood? The answer may not surprise you; Lindsey Graham is dumb #FACT; Rudy Giuliani has COVID and nobody seems to give a shit, least of all Rudy Giuliani; And federally legalized weed – it might be just what we need to help get over 2020.
Dig it…

This week: More Americans than you think are dumber than you think; Is Donald Trump a terminator sent here from the future to destroy us or a virtuous and respectful man destined for sainthood? The answer may not surprise you; Lindsey Graham is dumb #FACT; Rudy Giuliani has COVID and nobody seems to give a shit, least of all Rudy Giuliani; And federally legalized weed – it might be just what we need to help get over 2020.

###

Nothing revs my engine in the morning quite like a good cup of espresso, a hard copy of The Modesto Bee, and maybe a line or two of premium cocaine cut with just the right amount of baby aspirin. This week, I skipped the cocaine (on advice of council) and went straight for my go-to California Central Valley news source which reported on a Politico/Morning Consult poll that revealed that 19% of respondents still believe Trump has a chance of overturning the election. It’s the first poll ever to have a 2% margin of error and a 19% likelihood of dumbshit responses.
But unlike Trump, the numbers don’t lie. wildly ridiculous numbers of people actually believe this. It must be like that feeling you get when your team is down 23-points with three minutes left in the 4th quarter and you start thinking, “Maybe if we get a touchdown and a 2-point conversion and then an onside kick and then another touchdown and then another 2-point conversion…” And by the time you’re done trying to figure out ways to pretend they didn’t get crushed and there’s nothing you can do about it, the clock has run down and your team lost by 23 points just like every rational person in the world knew they would!!
And just like your dumb, shitty football team, Trump lost.

But, of course, you’d never know it by reading through the unwavering brain-fart he calls his Twitter feed… particularly if you ignore the shockingly high number of tweets that are labeled with what, at this point, Trump should be legally required to say before every statement he makes
Of course, because it’s nearly impossible to punish someone who thrives on punishment, our Prevaricator-in-Chief wears this warning like a badge of honor rather than the “Scarlet Phrase” it’s clearly meant to be.

Donald Trump has a Terminator-like determination when it comes to fooling his base into believing his lies, and bullying elected officials and certain recently favored “news” outlets into spreading them. If you prove his deceit to his face he would melt into a puddle of liquid metal and slither away under a closed door only to reform moments later with a whole new set of lies. It’s an admittedly cool party trick, but a horrible way to go through life.
Lest we forget – and we definitely lestn’t – this man who claims to constantly be the victim of conspiracy and fraud and lies basically made his debut in the political spotlight with the obviously false and blatantly racist claim that Barack Obama was not an American citizen. Although, in fairness to Trump… I mean, Hawaii? Come on. Is that even really a state?
Our current president doesn’t know what a lie is, because to him, lying is completely normal. He’s never not done it. Except back in 2016 when he called Lindsey Graham

… a “disgrace,” a “nut job,” and “one of the dumbest human beings I’ve ever seen.” – Donald Trump, dickhead.

That was not only true, but uncharacteristically spot on.

And so, the country now has to deal with frivolous lawsuit after frivolouser lawsuit. Of the 50+ cases very recently filed in a vainglorious and shabby attempt to turnover the results of the election, at least 46 have been denied, dismissed, settled or withdrawn. And that is undoubtedly because they’re all preposterous cases and – lest we forget again- because the president’s legal team is run by a sewage-sweating sub-human disaster movie.

You were expecting somebody else?

And speaking of Rudy Giuliani, two things.

  • One: It’s been reported that he is asking the White House for $20,000-a-day for his legal work which seems like a lot to ask unless that fee includes the rights to the oil reserves gushing from Rudy’s temples.
  • And two: Rudy Giuliani has COVID. And the scariest thing about that is not that he’s been traipsing across the country holding joint press conferences with other lawyers and arguing dumb cases in packed courtrooms while never wearing a mask. The scariest thing is that COVID itself is apparently so indestructible that it doesn’t immediately die upon coming in contact with Rudy Giuliani.

In fact, not only has it somehow survived inside of Rudy’s rotting corpse – great speed metal band name by the way – and stretched out for a while inside the otherwise empty vessel that is Donald “I got the ‘rona” Jr., it’s also making what can best be described as a horrible, unwanted comeback thanks in large part to an increase in large gatherings during the holiday season. And look, I get it. You want to visit grandma. She’s 90 and this might be her last Christmas… particularly if she spends it surrounded by ignorant family members who may have been exposed to the virus.
I also understand that it’s sometimes just plain hard to breathe through one of those pesky masks while you’re wrestling a stranger on Black Friday for the last 19-dollar flat screen at Walmart. But like this kid says…
So just wear a fucking mask. And maybe FaceTime grandma. She probably smells weird at this point anyway.

Not all COVID news is bad though. The FDA has authorized Pfizer’s Covid-19 vaccine for emergency use, clearing the way for millions of highly vulnerable people to begin receiving the vaccine within days, and I think we all know who we have to exclusively thank for that.

In fact, why stop at just giving him 100% of the credit?!
You heard Varney. “It is a miracle.” And that can mean only one thing: Donald Trump should be made a saint. I mean, I know you’re technically supposed to be responsible for two miracles, but what do you call Ivanka, am I right?

“She does have a very nice figure… If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” – Donald Trump, Gross Dad

Yep. Saint Donald: The Patron Saint of Nauseating Things. It’s long overdue.

###

And finally…
The House of Representatives on Friday voted 228-164 to pass the MORE Act, legislation that will decriminalize marijuana on a federal level.
And perhaps never before in the history of journalism has a photo fit better with the story…

“We are crazy high right now!”

I mean, they may was as well be standing there with Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson.

The bill includes several social and criminal justice measures that would help lift up communities of color ravaged by the war on drugs, which is all you need to know to understand why a McConnell-led Senate would bury it faster than a dog buries its shit… assuming that dog has something to bury it with. I live in New York City, so my dog almost always shits on cement, which means I have to pick it up with a little plastic bag and carry that bag around for a while, nodding at strangers while trying to pretend that I’m not holding a bag of my dog’s shit. But I am! It’s right there in my hand!
Sorry. This story made me want to get high. So I did. And then I kept writing and ended up going on this side-rant about dog shit. Any-waaaay…hope ya liked it! Now put down your own joint for a second and cross your fingers that Ossoff and Warnock win on January 5th in Georgia, because unlike Mitch McConnell, they don’t hate fun.

###

Ending, as usual, on a positive note…
This week’s musical guest is Andre Antunes with lead singer/enemy of demons, televangelist Kenneth Copeland.
I don’t want to ruin this one with a long explanation. Suffice to say a worldwide pandemic doesn’t stand a chance against hardcore metal and the power of a rambling ignoramus

To show your appreciation for Antunes (and why wouldn’t you?) you can buy him a cup of coffee, because why wouldn’t you?

Peace, y’all.

Leave a Reply