Monologue

Week of July 27

By July 31, 2020 August 4th, 2020 No Comments

This week: Well wishes and thunderous silence; Does this lab coat make me look “not batshit crazy”?; Our “president” proves he’s as shallow as a Club Med kiddie pool; Madonna literally bathes in her tone-deaf awfulness; And there’s a new Dumbshit in town, and his name rhymes with Bluey Bohmert!
Dig it…

This week: Well wishes and thunderous silence; Does this lab coat make me look “not batshit crazy”?; Our “president” proves he’s as shallow as a Club Med kiddie pool; Madonna literally bathes in her tone-deaf awfulness; And there’s a new Dumbshit in town, and his name rhymes with Bluey Bohmert!

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Let me begin by saying that as wealthy socialite Ghislane Maxwell sits in a federal jail in Brooklyn awaiting trial on charges of child sex trafficking, I wish her well, frankly. As for the recent death of civil rights icon and respected public servant, Congressman John Lewis, I have nothing to say.
Now imagine I’m the President of the United States and try to keep from throwing up in your own mouth, not because you have to but because it would be better than the indescribably rancid taste that was already in there. Fun, right?!

Moving on…
By now, you’ve probably seen the video of “woman in a lab coat” Stella Immanuel in which Ms. Immanuel touts the supposed effectiveness of hydroxychloroquine in stopping the spread of COVID-19 even though its only measurable claim to fame is being by far the longest word Donald Trump is able to pronounce without having an aneurysm.
Also by now, you probably know that because he has the judgement and patience of a speed-addicted lab rat, Trump retweeted that video thereby purposefully amplifying the voice of a woman who – as it turns out – believes witches are using children’s toys to destroy the world, gay marriage can result in adults marrying children, scientists are developing a vaccine to prevent people from being religious, and alien DNA is being used in medical treatments on humans – which, when you think about it, is actually way better than if we found out aliens were using human DNA to treat themselvesThat would be fucked up.
So, as literally 30 seconds of research has turned up, Ms. Immanuel is obviously a fucking loon. But President Loonier-Than-Thou basically defended her in his most recent press conference with a typically half-hearted fully-dimwitted statement. Or at least he attempted to.

“I don’t know which country she comes from,” said the president, undoubtedly assuming it was one of those ‘shithole countries‘ where the vast majority of the staff at Mar-a-Lago come from. Because his mouth is like a backed-up sewer that can’t stop spewing toxic waste, the president continued. “But she said that she’s had tremendous success with hundreds of different patients.”
Did the President of the United States bother to confirm this?
Does a bear use a bidet after it shits in the woods?
No. The answer is no.
And the spew kept coming. “And I thought her voice was an important voice, but I know nothing about her.”
And that’s exactly why you shouldn’t amplify her voice, you shithole-country-for-brains simpleton!
Trump has no idea who this woman is but she says one magic word he likes to hear and he immediately gives her more respect than a Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient who has been the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases since 1984.

Just look at this guy! He probably uses alien DNA to make gay children’s toys that are destroying our country by keeping people from being religious!

Speaking of actual doctor, Anthony Fauci, he was chosen to throw out the first pitch of the albeit tragically shortened MLB season, and despite the fact that his throw made you think Fauci believed the ball should socially distance from its target, the fact that he got to throw it set Trump’s perpetually whirling pettiness into overdrive. The president immediately claimed the New York Yankees had asked him to throw out the first pitch at their own season opener, a claim that came as news to not only Trump’s own staff but also the New York Yankees!
Why? Because the truth is like a “Whack-a-mole” game to this incredulous moron: as soon as it pops up, he smacks it on the head with a mallet. If this mealymouthed imbecile was president in 1969 he’d have claimed NASA asked him to walk on the moon first, and the phrase forever attached to the event would be, “That’s one small step for Trump, one giant leap for the Trump brand.”

But back to the press conference in which He Who Shall Not Be President propped up an obviously pontifical quack. When he was rightfully pressed on the issue by reporters he wilted like a daisy in a forest fire and walked out of the room with his presumably pointed tail between his legs.

Fingers crossed that we’re treated to a similar view from the White House soon.

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In somehow even more peculiar coronavirus news, the current human form of Madonna weighed in on the tragically homophobic “Dr.” Immanuel calling the hydroxychloro-queen her “hero,” presumably because of their lifelong mutual interest in “demon sperm.” The Materially Baffling Girl also posted a video on Instagram that played out like a rejected episode of American Horror Stories.

Desperately Seeking Attention

In it she says that COVID-19 “doesn’t care about how rich you are, how famous you are… It’s the great equalizer.” Yes. Because who among us doesn’t hire a film crew and lighting designer to capture our deepest thoughts while relaxing in an oversized marble soaking tub filled with flower petals and moisturizing liquid or elf jizz or whatever the hell that is. If Madonna and most of the people I know were even close to equal, she would be spouting this nonsense while stepping out from behind a 17-dollar Target shower curtain and drying off with a towel she hasn’t washed for 3 weeks. Also, she wouldn’t be wearing lipstick, a 2-inch thick layer of foundation and a necklace that probably cost as much as a 2019 Toyota Rav4. And I know that’s not the fanciest car I could have come up with, but fully loaded they still go for 30K-plus and that’s a lot to pay for a fucking necklace!

By the way, is she driving that bathtub. What the hell is going on there? She looks like a kid who just got in a go-kart for the first time and immediately ran into a stack of old tires.

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And finally, we turn to the rapidly growing demographic of “Dumbshits Who Downplay COVID and Then Contract the Virus Themselves.”

This week’s dumbshit is Representative Louie Gohmert of Texas who has repeatedly downplayed the virus and refused, up to now at least, to wear a mask while walking around the Capitol, despite having a face that’s tailor-made for being covered up.
Well, guess what? Gohmert has tested positive for the coronavirus.
The eight-too-many-terms Republican told CNN last month that he had not been wearing a mask because he was being tested regularly for the coronavirus. And that’s where he screwed up! The only way you can get the virus, Louis, is if you get tested for it. Just ask the feebleminded dolt at whose alter of simplicity you so willingly kneel.

And so, for having his beliefs shoved down his throat in highly dramatic fashion, Dumbshit Louis Ghomert is this week’s recipient of The Bishop from Caddy Shack’s “My Beliefs Backfired In My Face” Award.

“The good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life!”

Speaking of which, pizza magnate and former presidential candidate, Herman Cain, died this weak due to complications from the coronavirus which he openly encouraged people to ignore on a large scale during a Fourth of July event in South Dakota.
And this is exactly why I’m trying to push a law through congress to make it mandatory that your last tweet be your epitaph.

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Ending, as usual, on a positive note…
This week’s musical guest is Steve Martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers.
I’m a big fan of NPR’s Tiny Desk concert series and will definitely post more of my favorites, but I’m going to start with Mr. Martin and the Mr. Rangers – if that IS their real name. It’s just damn good “listenin’ music” and a reminder that the banjo was not just a silly prop – this legendary comedian can play the hell out of that crazy little drum/guitar-hybrid-thingy.

Peace, y’all.

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