Monologue

Week of July 20

By July 24, 2020 August 4th, 2020 No Comments

This week: President DumbDumb unleashes His Majesty’s Secret Service on people who disagree with him, sort of like a despot would; Is it finally a good idea to wear a mask, or has it always been a good idea to wear a mask?; And polar bears are on thin ice, but not because they’ve done anything wrong.
Dig it…

This week: President DumbDumb unleashes His Majesty’s Secret Service on people who disagree with him, sort of like a despot would; Is it finally a good idea to wear a mask, or has it always been a good idea to wear a mask?; And polar bears are on thin ice, but not because they’ve done anything wrong.

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You know how whenever you see those grown-up fantasy-camp militia guys all dressed up like army men so they can carry fully automatic rifles into a 7-11 in case the federal government is going to detain them for buying too much beef jerky, you think to yourself, “what a douche.” Well, the self-serving infant-brained simpleton we’re forced to admit is our president looks at those guys and think, “I could use a douche like you!”

On June 1st, you may recall that the Pillsbury DumbBoy deployed federal troops to clear away protestors so he could waddle across a street like a corpulent Beatle and wave a bible around like he’s flagging down a cab he doesn’t realize is going to take him straight to hell.
But things got worse fast when protests broke out in Portland, Oregon, over the killing of George Floyd, and Idiot Amin sent those same fully-loaded but unidentified “troops” in to do restore order or illegally detain liberal voters exercising their First Amendment rights, whichever came first I guess.

Oregon’s attorney general, Ellen Rosenblum, has filed suit against the Trump Administration saying their actions violate not only the protestor’s First Amendment rights, but also their Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights, which came as a huge surprise to President DumbDumb who not only had no idea there were more than two amendments, but is still unclear as to exactly what it is they amend.

According to Trump, the troops “have done a fantastic job in a very short period of time, no problem,” which is all the proof you need that they’ve done a terrible job that’s taking way too long and is a huge problem.
In extremely sharp contrast, Portland’s mayor, Ted Wheeler, said of the troops, “They’re not wanted here. We haven’t asked them here. In fact, we want them to leave.” So it’s basically the same response we can assume the president has when Eric and his family show up for Thanksgiving.

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As we all know, the leader of the dumb world has notoriously resisted commonly accepted guidelines to wear a protective face mask when appearing in public, though he may actually have a legitimately hard time breathing through the tiny, puckered sphincter he uses as a mouth.

But on Monday, the rutterless dimwit finally tweeted an image of himself wearing a mask during his visit to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center earlier this month.

Reactions were mixed ranging mainly from people who were surprised he finally decided to do the right thing and wear a mask, to people who were surprised he wasn’t wearing this mask…

A muzzle would also be nice, but for now let’s take what we can get.

Now, a quick  moment to break down the infuriatingly ridiculous text of his tweet:

“We are United in our effort to defeat the Invisible China Virus…”

First of all, the obvious: “United” is not capitalized, something the president would know if his brain didn’t practice social distancing throughout his “education.”
Secondly, it’s not the “Invisible China Virus,” you intolerable, petty, churlish boor. It’s the coronavirus disease 2019, abbreviated as COVID-19. But at this point, I’m just amazed you can even say “China Virus” without pulling the sides of your eyes back like the racist child you are.

“… many people say that it is Patriotic to wear a face mask…”
Again with the obvious: “patriotic” is not capitalized, you disruptive back-of-the-class buffoon.
And nobody says wearing a mask is patriotic. Nobody! They have nothing to do with each other. It’s like saying orange juice cures herpes. You can think it if you want, and I assume you’ve even tried it, but that doesn’t mean it’s true.

“… There is nobody more Patriotic than me, your favorite President!”
Where do I start?
For the last time, you drooling grammar-hobbled Neanderthal, “patriotic” is not capitalized and, in this case, neither is “president.” Also, literally everybody who has ever served in any capacity in our nation’s military is a thousand times more patriotic than your draft-dodging bone-spur faking ass.
And finally, as for “favorite” presidents, you come in well behind William Henry Harrison, and he was only president for 32 days, you rabble-rousing race-baiting hate-filled sub-human trash bin.
That felt good.
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But let’s put all this heaviness behind us for now and move on to something a bit more warm and fuzzy.
Unfortunately, by “warm” I’m referring to constantly rising global temperatures, and by “fuzzy” I mean the polar bears that may all but disappear if something isn’t done about it.
According to a new study by actual scientists who are not just people in stolen lab coats who will say whatever a certain politician wants them to, the majority of polar bears will likely disappear by the end of the century if greenhouse gas emissions are not kicked to whatever curb is closest to the edge of our ever-expanding universe.
Now, if you’re a dummy, you might ask, “Why do we even need polar bears anyway?”
Good question, dummy.
The answer is because polar bears, much like almost every animal on the planet, are part of a complicated and sensitive eco-system that is so far beyond your comprehension that explaining it would be like trying to teach trigonometry to a baby. Sure, the baby might pretend it knows what’s going on because it senses that some form of food-related payment is dependent upon a certain reaction. But ask that baby to define the difference in frequency between a cosine wave and its corresponding sine wave and that baby is probably going to throw up on your shirt and piss in your face. Go ahead – prove me wrong.
My point is, you can’t just tell polar bears to fuck off and not expect to pay some kind of price for it, not the least of which would be a precipitous drop in Christmastime “pitch-animals” for popular high-calorie sugar-waters.
As for how the polar bears are threatened by rising temperatures, the animals rely on sea ice to hunt for seals, and that sea ice is disappearing. So it’s basically the same as if Eric Trump depended on invitations to Thanksgiving to feed his family but those invitations were rapidly disappearing and nobody, particularly his emotionally hobbled father, was doing anything about it.
Even a baby can understand that.

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In closing: a musical treat. Because there are certain performances I watch over and over again.
In 2015, I was working at The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon where I was lucky enough to be in the studio to see Lauryn Hill and her large-enough-to-fill-the-whole-stage band perform this AMAZING rendition of Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good.” Shout out to the director, and set and lighting designer as well. I challenge you to find a single frame of this performance that isn’t as cool as cool can get.
Peace, y’all.

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