Monologue

Week of May 25

By May 29, 2020 August 4th, 2020 No Comments

This week: It was another crazy week in post-normal America dominated, as usual, by the antics of a petulant child who was somehow elected to the highest office in the land, the creepiest unforeseen effects of a global pandemic, and Hitler’s alligator. That’s right, Hitler had a fucking alligator! Can you believe that shit?!
Dig it…

This week: It was another crazy week in post-normal America dominated, as usual, by the antics of a petulant child who was somehow elected to the highest office in the land, the creepiest unforeseen effects of a global pandemic, and Hitler’s alligator. That’s right, Hitler had a fucking alligator! Can you believe that shit?!

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White House Press Secretary, Kayleigh “I hated you in high school” McEnany, revealed this week that President Trump has donated $100,000 of his salary to the Department of Health and Human Services to help combat the coronavirus. That’s the good news. The bad news: she also revealed the president’s private bank account and routing numbers.
But wait! There’s more good news! The Department of Health and Human Services used those numbers to change the amount to half-a-million. Thanks, dummies!

By the way, a word of advice to any scammers out there rushing to learn how to forge the president’s signature: all you have to do is grab a pen during an earthquake while you’re having a stroke and sitting on a washing machine during the spin cycle. Et voilà!
p.s. – That’s also a great way to have a truly mind-altering orgasm. You’re welcome.

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On Monday, Democratic nominee Joe Biden marked Memorial Day by laying a wreath at a veterans park near his Delaware home, while Donald Trump used the solemn occasion to rage tweet false accusations against a Democratic Congressperson who also happens to be a Marine veteran, proving once and for all that fake bone spurs can cause severe brain damage. Suddenly it all makes sense!

By the way, I’m not sure what the Bidens are about to rob, but I sure hope it’s the presidency.

Also on Monday, President Dumb Thumbs warned he may move the currently questionable Republican National Convention from North Carolina if state officials there insist on imposing the state’s current social distancing restrictions as a result of the coronavirus. Then he turned and kissed Vice President Mike Pence on the mouth. Long story short, Pence now calls the president “Mother.”

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Meanwhile, in “Alligators that used to belong to Hitler” news…
An alligator rumored to have once belonged to the “Donald Trump of 1940’s Germany,” Adolph Hitler, died this week at the Moscow Zoo. Zookeepers said the alligator, named Saturn, was 84-years-old and an unapologetic racist.

And the answer to the question you’re probably asking yourself is “yes,” the History Channel will definitely be airing a 12-part series called “Hitler’s Pets.”
Spoiler Alert: One of those pets grew up to be Roy Cohn!

The Moscow Zoo released the news on their Twitter page, which, if you’re not already following, you definitely should.It’s hilarious!
I think.
It’s very hard to tell.

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In somehow even creepier animal news, as if the Center for Disease Control doesn’t already have its hands full delivering bad news, the organization announced this week that because people are going out to eat less, restaurants have less waste, and that means less garbage and that means rats are fuckin’ hungry y’all! Though that wasn’t the CDC’s exact wording.Since the pandemic started, there has been a steep increases in rat activity, particularly in bigger cities including New York where the CDC reports that severely decreased food sources for rats have resulted in something they call “rat battles”, which would be amazing if it was two rats trying to insult each other with rhymes, but it’s actually hordes of rats trying to eat each other, which is considerably less amazing.
But rats, which carry a variety of diseases, are also venturing out into public areas more and surprisingly few of them are wearing masks. Fortunately, nobody in their right mind has to be convinced to keep a proper social distance from large groups of grotesque rodents… that is, if you don’t count pool parties in Missouri.
BOOM!

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Back in DumbTown, Captain BlunderRants is mad mad mad that his favorite social media platform has decided to stop letting him lie about what seems like literally everything.
On Tuesday, the man whose job it is to uphold democracy tweeted that mail-in ballots are “fraudulent” and claimed the governor of California is “sending ballots to millions of people,” neither of which is true.
Twitter promptly flagged the tweet with a fact-checking label encouraging readers to seek out the actual facts on their own.
Great job, Twitter!
Now if my count is correct, you only have to add this label to roughly 20,000 more tweets.

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And finally, in Southern DumbTown, the president is now facing criticism for celebrating fallen veterans and mourning the loss of 100,000 Americans to COVID-19 by golfing twice during Memorial Day weekend, an action he defended as “exercise”, which, in fairness to the president, he desperately needs.
Still, it looks bad. One extremely high-ranking White House official who was there said,

“This was a bad time to be playing golf. That was just bad. And it just looks to me like he’s tired of being president.”

That official, of course, was President Donald Trump, speaking about then President Obama back in October of 2014.
The moral of this story? Don’t be an asshole every waking minute of your life. It might come back to bite you in your giant, bulbous ass. It’s not a particularly elegant moral, but it’s worth considering.

At this point, Trump has basically completely revealed himself as the evil rich-guy caricature with a top hat and a monocle, but instead of the top hat and monocle,

he has a rat’s nest and racoon eyes.

Peace!

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