Monologue

Week of June 1

By June 5, 2020 August 4th, 2020 No Comments

This week: A Utah man finds out what happens when you bring a bow and arrow to a protest fight; An impossibly old woman gets Covid-19 and survives to drink about it; And, of course, Trump Trump Trump, blah blah blah, dumb dumb dumb, yada yada yada.
Dig it…

This week: A Utah man finds out what happens when you bring a bow and arrow to a protest fight; An impossibly old woman gets Covid-19 and survives to drink about it; And, of course, Trump Trump Trump, blah blah blah, dumb dumb dumb, yada yada yada.

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In the event we needed more proof that our country’s president is a rudderless buffoon with the judgement of an angry sewer rat (we didn’t), BassMouth McShittyPerson decided that rather than speaking out on justice and unity in this unprecedented time in our history, he would have peaceful protestors tear gassed to clear the way so he could stumble across the street to stand in front of a church he never goes to and hold up a bible like it was a fucking bidding paddle at one of Jeffrey Epstein’s underaged girl auctions.

Lawmakers, former elected officials and religious leaders voiced outrage at what any actually spiritual person can clearly see is the moral equivalent of grabbing the 7 deadly sins by the pussy.

Father James Martin, a prominent Jesuit priest and author, said in a statement to NBC News Monday, “Using the Bible as a prop while talking about sending in the military, bragging about how your country is the greatest in the world, and publicly mocking people on a daily basis, is pretty much the opposite of all Jesus stood for.” To which Trump replied, “Jesus wasn’t so great. He was great because he got crucified? I prefer son’s of God who weren’t crucified.”

Though he famously claimed The Bible is his favorite book, judging from the way he holds the thing, I’m 99% sure Donald Trump doesn’t actually know how books work.

      

You know what? Make that 100.
I’m 100% certain he doesn’t know how books work.
It’s like he’s waiting for the thing to talk to him.
But I’m sure everyone from the White House was just happy it didn’t immediately burst into flames.

District of Columbia Mayor Muriel Bowser called the act “Shameful”, by which we can safely assume she meant “fucking gross.” 
She tweeted that aggression against the protestors outside the White House was unprovoked and happened a full 25 minutes before the imposed curfew. Predictably, “Eric The Dumbest” countered that with a tweet that pretty much confirms that the only interactions he’s accustomed to with black men is when they’re wearing white gloves and handing him a glass of champagne without making eye contact.

Nice try, but if it’s a hug from daddy you’re hoping for you might want to put on a blonde wig and start tweeting inappropriate Bible verses.

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A 57-year-old man showed up to a Salt Lake City protest over the killing of George Floyd and started yelling “All lives matter!” while pointing a bow and arrow at the crowd. Bystanders said they couldn’t believe what they were looking at, but they were actually most surprised that the man wasn’t Ted Nugent.

The actual culprit was Brandon E. McCormick of Taylorsville, Utah where the new slogan is “Taylorsville: Please, GOD, stop letting everyone know Brandon McCormick lives here.”
McCormick, of the Taylorsville McCormicks, told Fox News he brought the bow and arrow because he was “trying to protect police officers,” presumably from all the deer that showed up at the protest.
Dude, if you’re trying to protect police officers at this point, just make sure they’re not black and being arrested by other police officers!

It was not a good day for McCormick who was soon surrounded by protestors who beat him up and torched his car along with what we can assume was a backseat full of empty 2-liter RC Cola bottles and a trunk full of animal porn.
But in a story filled with highlights, perhaps nothing beat the image of a protestor, apparently in the middle of stomping the shit out of the top of McCormack’s car, taking a moment to casually tie his hipster boots.

Remember, protestors… stay safe out there!

In the end, if he indeed made any point at all, McCormick, who, again – and I can’t stress this enough – is from Taylorsville, Utah, proved once and for all that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a bow and arrow is a large crowd of pissed off protestors who beat the shit out of the guy with the bow and arrow.

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Meanwhile, in “103-year-old-women-who’ve-survived the coronavirus” news…

Jennie Stejna, a 103-year-old Massachusetts woman who recovered from Covid-19, celebrated the news with her favorite drink – a cold beer.

Then she immediately followed it up with three shots of Jäger and a bump of black tar heroin before bouncing out of the bed and screaming, “That’s how you fucking survive, bitches!

Rather than a Corona beer, which she said would have been cliche, Stejna drank a Bud Lite which doctors have confirmed she enjoys in large part because her taste buds stopped working 20 years ago.
Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Bud Lite, were so thrilled by Stejna’s choice of drink that they’ve pledged to give her free Bud Lite for the rest of her life. So… another 6-pack or two outta do it.

Of course, because of her age, Stejna’s family had been preparing for the worst. They even asked her if she was ready to pass away to which she replied, “Hell yeah.”
Well, the jokes on you, Granny! Welcome back to the ongoing shitshow called Planet Earth!

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And finally, we return to President RunsAtTheMouth, for what, shockingly, could be the most vacuous, pinheaded thing he’s ever said, which, of course, is really saying something.

Despite continued protests over racial inequality fueled by the death of George Floyd, Trump took to the Rose Garden where he focused on what he interprets as positive economic news saying, “Hopefully, George is looking down right now and saying this is a great thing that’s happening for our country.” And then, apparently realizing he wasn’t done spewing impossibly dumb shit, he added, “This is a great day for him.” Yep! It’s all he ever wanted! Just ask his family. They’ll tell you: “All George ever talked about is how great the next jobs report is going to be. That, and how afraid he was that cops might one day kill him by kneeling on his throat. But the jobs report! That was his real focus.”

Peace!

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