Monologue

Week of Oct. 12

By October 16, 2020 October 21st, 2020 4 Comments

This week: Senate Republicans sell whatever parts of their souls they hadn’t already sold; The extremely notorious ACB doesn’t seem to think the N-word is such a bad thing; The Taliban backs its horse and the ass it rode in on; Things get awkward/gross at Trump’s town hall; Facebook boldly goes where they should have gone a long fucking time ago; And a priest and two dominatrixes walk into a church. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
Dig it…

This week: Senate Republicans sell whatever parts of their souls they hadn’t already sold; The extremely notorious ACB thinks maybe the N-word ain’t so bad after all; The Taliban backs its horse and the ass it rode in on; Things get awkward/gross at Trump’s town hall; Facebook boldly goes where they should have gone a long fucking time ago; And a priest and two dominatrixes walk into a church. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

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Well, it’s another one of those weeks where following the news is like waiting for a drum circle to end. You know that it should end. You feel like everybody involved knows it should end. You desperately want it to end. But it never seems to fucking end. It just keeps pounding into your brain like a sardonic woodpecker on speed until one seemingly impossible thought crosses your mind: “Maybe I actually like drum circles.”
And that’s when you know all is lost.

This week’s parade of awfulness was blanketed, of course, by the confirmation hearings of Amy Karen – sorry, “Coney” – Barrett, our next Supreme Court Justice whether you like it or not. Why? Because there are more Republicans in the Senate then there are Democrats, which is all they need, and not a single one of them seems to have a shred of dignity, a scrap of integrity, a speck of morality, a sliver of virtue, or a scruple of scruples.
They’re not just un-scrupulous, they’re anti-scruples. If scruples were an unborn baby in its third trimester, Senate Republicans would stab its mother in the belly and then go have lunch with a lobbyist.
And gutless tool, Lindsay Graham, is in a 53-way tie for the worst of them.

Even the bottle of Purell has to turn away out of fear of being infected by “her inglorious and shabby self.”
(Solid 300 reference, y’allll!!)

Much was learned about Barrett this week, but since we already knew the Federalist Society made sure she’ll challenge same sex marriage and reverse Roe v. Wade faster than a deadbeat dad skipping town with his teenage side-piece, let’s focus on the opinion she wrote just last year in which she, in her undoubtedly limitless experience on the receiving end of blatant racism, stated that “use of the n-word in the workplace (does not automatically) create a hostile or abusive working environment.”
Unless – and I’m filling in this thought that Judge Barrett seemingly skipped over – unless you’re the “N”. Then it seems like there’s a high-to-incontrovertible possibility you might experience both a hostile and abusive working environment.
“But she adopted 2 black kids!”
Uh-huh. And now we know where they won’t be doing their college internships.

But because nothing is more urgent than appointing someone to a position in which they will determine the final rule of law in our land for the rest of their natural life, the Senate is scheduled to confirm Barrett sometime during the week of October 26th – 1 week before the election. So, run out and buy your “Racist Supreme Court Justice” Halloween costumes now, because they ain’t gonna last. But if you do miss out on that, just replace the “c” with a “p” and you can get the 2018 Kavanaugh model, probably at half price.

p.s. – If you didn’t see Sheldon Whitehouse speak at the hearing, you should watch it in its entirety. It’s a horrifyingly clear explanation of the seemingly unexplainable horribleness of dark money, including the great line,

“When you find hypocrisy in the daylight, look for power in the shadows.”

Oh, and as usual… fuck Mitch McConell.
There. I said it.

***

Last weekend, undoubtedly trying to sneak under the radar of MY FRIDAY RANT, thee Taliban (not just a Taliban) officially endorsed Donald Trump’s re-election campaign.
True.
Story.
So, that makes The Proud Boys, QAnon and now the Taliban. Throw in Putin and Kim Jong-un and, win or lose, that’s going to be one sick election night party.
#HopefullyLose

A senior Taliban leader apparently actually said,

“Trump might be ridiculous for the rest of the world, but he is a sane and wise man for the Taliban.”

And with that, the Biden campaign was pretty much handed their next slogan.
Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Trump campaign uses it! The man genuinely doesn’t seem to understand what words mean.

***

It was a very busy week for the soon-to-be lame duck, but he somehow, against all odds, found the time to retweet an image of Joe Biden’s head edited onto the body of an elderly person sitting in a wheelchair, endorsing him for “Resident” of a retirement home.
Okay, first things first, and obvious disrespect to Biden and the elderly aside… this is a pretty solid joke. Republicans must have paid a democrat a lot of money to come up with it for them. But Trump got a lot of blowback for potentially offending a formerly dependable voting block: old people who are probably racists.
Quick, Mr. President! Win them back by re-retweeting one of them yelling “White Power” from their golf cart!

Trump also retweeted an article detailing a baseless QAnon conspiracy theory claiming “Biden and Obama may have had Seal Team 6 killed” and that Bin Laden may still be alive, as the man killed in the raid was Bin Laden’s body double… because there’s nothing in the rulebooks that says the president can’t amplify the rantings of a lunatic. Besides, as he told Savannah Guthrie regarding retweets, “I’ll put it out there. People can decide for themselves.” The president himself might not be in the best physical condition of his life, but the stamina of his ignorance is unstoppable.
Hey! Great title for his autobiography! “The Stamina of My Ignorance.” You can thank me later, Mr. President.

***

Also this week, what could have been a very enlightening head-to-head town hall style debate between the presidential candidates turned into separate, competing town hall style interviews that were like a political yin and yang if yin was “substantive answers to the questions being asked” and yang was “a defensive blowhard with a sweaty upper lip.”
There was a lot to talk about, but since it’s already been talked about a lot, I’ll just focus on the one clip that has somehow surged into the extremely competitive lead for “grossest moment of the campaign.”

Awww… I bet she says that to all the sexual predators.

***

Let’s turn to some good news!
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, seen below in his spot-on “Data from Star Trek Gets a Regular Desk Job” Halloween costume, has announced that his mildly popular social media platform is banning all content that “denies or distorts the Holocaust,” which simultaneously makes me think “That’s great!” and “Wait. He hadn’t already fucking done that?

It’s all about them clicks, y’all!

Zuckerberg said his decision was in response to what he realized was an “alarming” level of ignorance about the Holocaust, most likely combined with the realization that he could actually take a principled stance and still make another 40 billion dollars this year. How does he squeak by on that? Life sure is a balancing act.

***

And finally, in “Hilarious News About Priests Fucking in Church“…
A New Orleans priest who’s name doesn’t matter at all was busted recently while filming himself having a threesome with two dominatrixes on top of his church’s altar which was also surrounded by sex toys and actual “stage lighting.” Because if you’re gonna be sexually dominated in your own church, you damn well better make sure there are no shadows in the video.

The Archbishop of New Orleans has “suspended” the priest – until he repents, I suppose, as if he wouldn’t do the same thing a thousand times more. The church also immediately destroyed the old altar and consecrated a new one, which means everything is back to normal now because, really, what are the chances these three also fucked in every one of the pews?

***

Ending, as usual, on a positive note…
This week’s musical guest is Jack White. When I first heard The White Stripes, I immediately knew I had never heard The White Stripes before and that I would listen to them many more times after. Some years later, White showed his “comedy straight man” chops, totally holding his own with Stephen Colbert in his 3 part series, “2011: A Rock Odyssey Featuring Jack White.” Here’s PART 1. Two and Three are just as good.
And then, last week, White made his fourth appearance on SNL and it… was… wildly… good. Both songs (one a medley) were amazing performances, but MY FRIDAY RANT is presenting “Lazaretto” because it rocked and funked and rapped a little harder, and because White threw in a nod to the one and only EVH during one of his numerous guitar breaks.
Nice touch.
Anywhooo! In the unlikely event you haven’t seen it already or simply agree with me that it’s worth watching 100 times more…

Peace, y’all.

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