Hammadown (Chapter 6)

It’s not every day Eddie Brill has a birthday. So, when he does we like to wait a couple more days and then play poker. This chapter of the Hammadown includes old jokes but good jokes; a tone-deaf message from O.J.; why four 8’s is better than three; Music and food; Charlie the dog gets up to no good; TV-watching recommendations; And Tom Jones, baby!

(Game Day: October 19, 2020)

“THE FAB FIVE”

First of all, happy drop down day to the one and only Eddie Brill!
It was actually on the 16th, but since he was away doing stand-up on an actual stage for the first time in 110 years (it seems like) we celebrated on Monday with the pleasure of the playing of the poker.
In attendance was the aforementioned Fab Five: Eddie Brill, Hank Gallo, Adam “Cockman” Abramowitz, Joe Mulligan and little ol’ Meezy (feat. Charlie, the cutest dog on the planet).

“Happy birthday, human friend.”

Dave Freed was scheduled but had to turn around half way to my place because he was feeling COVID-y minus the actual COVID. May he recover as quickly and fully and bigly as our truly unbreakable president, President LieAlot McRuintheworld.

The first DD-day gift we gave the EBPG’s namesake was literally on the very first hand of the night when Mr. Brill had two 8’s in the hole and got two more on the flopity flop. You didn’t have to pass 2nd grade math to know that makes quad 8’s. And what’s more, he got callers from our merry band of unwitting dumbshits and ended up raking a nice, big pot. Happy Birthday, asshole!

Later in the evening, I myself would start two different hands with 8’s in the hole and another 8 on the board only to somehow lose both of those hands.

Seems only Eddie would benefit from the possession of multiple snowmen.

The apparently super-horny Jeffrey Toobin was a brief topic of conversation with Hank providing the spitting-milk-through-nose line that Toobin thought the Zoom call was to discuss erection coverage.
Boom goes the Hank-a-mite!
I think O.J. said it best…

Damn @JeffreyToobin pic.twitter.com/ZkS1gFsyyi

— O.J. Simpson (@TheRealOJ32) October 20, 2020

It’s worth noting that while Toobin technically “finished,” he did stop short of brutally murdering his wife and her friend.

“I’m just sayin’!”

Sometimes (maybe all the time) the table goes off on a parade of “the classics” – lines that have made us laugh for many, many years and continue to do just that…

• Q: What’s the name of the most lenient judge in Iraq?
  A: Al Allowit
• Defensive shopkeeper: You can buy anything you want in this store, but don’t patronize me!
• I once dated a horrible woman from France. She lived on Rue The Day I Met Her.
• Doctor: I’m afraid you only have 1 year to live.
  Patient: But I won’t be able to pay your bill.
  Doctor: Then make it 2 years.

Eddie also provided a new, classic Eddie-style jokey joke:

Some friends insisted I walk out on a long dock with them even though I didn’t want to: pier pressure.

I know. I know. But now imagine being really high and in a really good mood.
#ComedyGold

Joe provided the soundtrack as has become his wont. The playlist was as solid as it was eclectic, with Hendrix, Nina Simone, lots of Prince and even ZZ Top’s “LaGrange” which it so happens I played at my high school talent show with my own little power(less) trio.

Since Freed wasn’t there to provide a mountain of Italian and/or BBQ-style foodstuffs, we ordered a pizza and a big Caesar Salad with chicken on the side, half of which Charlie ate after sneaking up onto the dining table by using the couch as a dog ladder.
We’re not sure how much of it he ate, but he would return to that spot repeatedly during the night only to find we had moved the goods out of reach of his curious jowls.

“Am I crazy or was there a pile of chicken right here just a minute ago?”

At precisely 9:53, Eddie “went both,” meaning if he won both the high and the low hand outright he would sweep the entire pot. And so it was that his 6-5 low and his Ace-high flush were enough to do just that. His chip well was suddenly so full that if a toddler fell in, it could just crawl right out on its own.

At one point during the night I asked everyone for their most recent quality TV-watching recommendations. Here they be:

• Cockman: The Bureau – A gritty french crime drama. Leave it to Cockman to go uber-highbrow.
• Eddie: This Country – A mockumentary exploring the lives of young people in modern rural Britain. Is American TV even a thing anymore?!
• Meezy: Ted Lasso – American football coach gets hired to coach a British football (soccer) team. As I read in one review – “There’s no reason it should be this good.” Jason Sudeikis is a national treasure!
• Joe: Fargo – Though his slightly-less-than-ringing endorsement was an albeit sincere, “I’m enjoying it.” So… I guess, jog don’t walk?
  And finally…
• Hank: “Who, me? I’m still watching Law & Order.” (CUE SFX)

Somebody brought up a meme that was hilarious enough for me to find and post here for your enjoyment…

***

THE SHOWDOWNS
(Small: 5 cards all up. Big: 7 cards all up)

SMALL: Cockman wins! And he needed it! By the end of the night even a fireman with a ladder couldn’t have gotten a toddler out of his dried-up well. And he won because his Ace-high held up against everybody else’s nothing hands. So, even when he won, Cockman had shitty cards. Until…

BIG: Cockman again! He may as well have changed his name to Suddenly Stackman. In a far more thrilling “hand,” the lead changed a few times until the last round of cards were revealed and Mr. Stackman pulled a 4’s boat and enough money to do what nobody, including Cockman, thought he would do: leave without losing.

***

But wait! There’s one more thing!
For some reason, Tom Jones came up. Why? Doesn’t matter. What matters is that whether you know it or not, Tom Jones is legit amazing, and I shared a crazy video of him doing a duet with Janis Joplin of all people that you’d have to be crazy not to appreciate. Special shout out to the tight-as-tight-can-be band and the seemingly focus-pulling dancer/seizure-havers in the background.
Hold on to your panties, y’all!