Monologue

Week of Oct. 19

By October 23, 2020 October 24th, 2020 9 Comments

This week: Two old white guys argue over which of them should lead us into the future; A big reason the Coney Barrett kids probably don’t have any gay friends; Mitch McConnell’s grotesque paw; Should Mexican children really be with their rapist parents anyway?; And if you’re going to write something in 6-foot high letters, you might want to use spellcheck. Plus, this week’s musical guest.
Dig it…

This week: Two old white guys argue over which of them should lead us into the future; A big reason the Coney Barrett kids probably don’t have any gay friends; Mitch McConnell’s grotesque paw; Should Mexican children really be with their rapist parents anyway?; And if you’re going to write something in 6-foot high letters, you might want to use spellcheck. Plus, this week’s musical guest.

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We begin with what will likely be the last time Donald Trump and Joe Biden will be seen anywhere near each other, since if Joe Biden wins the election – meaning, of course, “if the election is rigged” – Professor Dumbledumb is neither going to welcome him to the White House nor show up at Joe’s inauguration, because he has the morality of a malevolent tapeworm and the temperament of a colicky baby.
But enough about his strengths.

With Kanye’s unfairly maligned, very serious campaign now seemingly left smoldering on the eternal tire fire of politics, the last two remaining candidates with any actual chance of becoming president faced off this week against each other (but mainly themselves) in the final debate before the election. And this time, because the colicky baby was expected to once again repeatedly spit out his pacifier and disrupt anything that wasn’t the sound of his own incessant whining, debate organizers instituted a “mute button,” which was actually relatively effective, but still fell short of the ball gag we all would have preferred.

So, a couple of takeaways…

  • Anyone who actually says out loud, “I’m the least racist person in this room“… is not.
  • Donald Trump is also most definitely not Abraham Lincoln, and not just because he could never pull off that beard. But calling him Abraham Lincoln at the right moment can be pretty damn hilarious.
  • COVID is under control; Trump actually saved at least 1.8 million lives; the economy is a freight trainBiden is the one with financial ties to China and Russia; we’re all going to see somebody’s amazing tax returns super soon; health care is a thing that will happen and be perfect; and every American has a 401-K calmly beckoning them to a comfortable and leisurely retirement.
  • And finally, is there anything warmer and more loving than a Donald/Melania post-debate human greeting? Bathe with me, won’t you, in their tepid acknowledgement of each other’s physical existence.

    Hey, you four! Get three rooms!

That’s it.
That’s all my takeaways.
Although in my defense, I was a bit distracted because I couldn’t help but wonder how long Rudy Giuliani was able to watch the debate before he lay back on his bed to “tuck in his shirt.”

I will say that for me, the debate was actually summed up early on by my 10-year-old son, who after listening to the President of the United States respond to how he will supposedly deal with the coronavirus pandemic moving forward, said, and I quote:

“He’s not saying how he’ll do it, he’s just saying that he will.”

In other words, a 10-year-old is more astute than your average Trump voter. Good to know.

***

Back on planet “Who The Fuck Is Still Undecided?
It’s no secret that the Supreme Court has become increasingly less “supreme” thanks to the relentlessly evil-based work of The Tortoise and The Hair.

And now, next week, the severely imbalanced “representative” body known as the Senate is scheduled to vote on the confirmation of Amy Coney Barrett, not to replace Ruth Bader Ginsberg, but to take the massive void left by her death and bury it for decades to come under a rancid pile of fervently religious bigotry and inequality that even a starving raccoon would take a pass on.
Anywhooooo… fun fact to consider as we inevitably watch her being sworn in sometime between now and January 20th: From 2015 through 2017, waaay back when Judge Barrett was but a wee lass who hadn’t yet formed mature principles and convictions, she served on the board of Trinity Schools Inc., an organization that barred admission to children of same-sex parents and made it plain that openly gay and lesbian teachers weren’t welcome. Which means the girls at the school either didn’t have a gym teacher or someone snuck in under the radar.

The look on her face every time she even hears the word “gay”.

To be fair, Trinity’s discriminatory policies were in place years before Barrett joined the board in 2015, although it was her choice to serve for 3 years without lifting a finger to change them. But who is she to judge?
Wait a minute…
Oh, shit.

And, as always, Fuck Mitch McConnell… who, not surprisingly, seems to be rotting from the inside.

I’m not sure if this is the message he’s going for, but to me his hand represents America and the BAND-AID on his thumb represents the extent to which he’s willing to go to actually fix it.
As for why his hand looks like a coal miner’s foot, McConnell insists there are no medical concerns which only increases the chance that the bruising came from the senate majority leader repeatedly and aggressively fisting Lyndsay Graham. You know… for fun… while Trump watches… in a Russian hotel room.
#ProveMeWrong

***

Remember way back in June 2015 when then-candidate Trump suggested that Mexicans are rapists, though some, he assumed, we’re good people? Remember when you thought that was probably the worst thing he could say or do to Mexicans and other immigrants who were, as that dumb whore Lady Liberty said, simply yearning to be free? Well, hold on to the novelty sombrero you bought in Cabo last winter, because we now know exactly what former A.G. Jeff Sessions’ said three years later…

“We need to take away children.”

Apparently even the ones whose parents, I assume, “are good people.”
And it turns out that was the easy part! Keeping track of which kid belonged to which adult, on the other hand, was about as important to them as making sure Russia didn’t meddle in the next election.
And it gets inhumanly worse!
Lawyers appointed by a federal judge recently revealed that they have yet to track down the parents of 545 children and that about two-thirds of those parents were deported to Central America without their children.
Not sure how that would feel? It is hard to imagine. But let’s give it a try…
Say you lived in the part of Detroit that even people who live in Detroit don’t go to. You had to get out, so you and your exhausted wife and your two extremely young children walked eleven hundred miles to Disney World figuring that would be better. But when you get there, a giant, potentially deadly chipmunk that walks on two feet and carries a camera around decides he doesn’t want you to be there. So, he takes you into custody while his partner, “Dale” stuffs your kids in a cage. Not a castle. Not a teacup. But an actual steel cage. Doesn’t matter who built the cage. All you know is that fucker “Dale” is definitely the one who threw your kids in there. A year goes by and you don’t see each other let alone get to ride any rides. None of them. Not even “It’s a Small World“. Suddenly, Goofy walks in and, despite his unusually affable demeanor, he insists you have to leave Disney World, but you can’t take your kids because, as Goofy freely admits, “We’re not sure which ones are yours, and we really don’t give a shit.” So you’re put on a bus that takes you out of the park and drops you off back in Detroit wearing a red shirt in a part of town run be a ruthless drug gang that really prefers blue shirts. Things don’t look great. And the whole time you know your kids are still back at Disney World in a cage, with very little if anything to eat and what’s worse, they’re within ear shot of rehearsals for a daily 2 o’clock “Singing Princesses” show. A truly horrifying thought. But just then, five guys in blue shirts descend upon you, and in your terrified desperation you somehow allow yourself to think, “Maybe it’s best that my kids stay where they are.”
It’s probably something like that.
Hard to say for sure.
But consider this: It’s mainly supposedly pro-life people who will undoubtedly give Trump a pass on the unforgivable way he has treated these children and families. They’ll say it’s fake news. They’ll blame Obama or Hillary or Casper the Late Term Aborted Ghost. They’ll claim these children and families deserve this because they’re only coming here to rape us in the first place. But, of course, if a woman ever was raped by a Mexican immigrant and ended up getting pregnant and wanted to end the pregnancy…
“Too fuckin’ bad! You’re the one walking around with a vagina!”

I could go on and on, if you hadn’t noticed, but stand-up comedy’s GOAT, George Carlin, did it better than I can a long time ago…

***

And finally…
Hour bottem storey thiz weak: Sum reel dumees inn pencilvainya desided two atack Jo Bidin buy ewreckting a bilbored clamming hes sufring frum “dimensia” beecawse thay r knot onlee dumees, butt allso haightful hairbraned imbasills.

Reel bilbored!!

SIDE NOTE: The billboard is owned by Penneco Outdoor Advertising. Feel free, as others have, to leave them a 1-star Google review, but only because I guess you can’t leave a half. In 2018, Penneco was also responsible for a billboard that called now Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavannaugh’s sexual assault accusers (read: victims) “Paid LIARS.”
Why? Because…

We’re Penneco: The Dumb Assholes of Outdoor Advertising

And for not only intentionally lying, but also dismissively disrespecting the 5.7 million Americans currently, actually, suffering from this often debilitating condition over which they have little or no control –
in the partial words of the late, disgusting Al Goldstein:

Penneco Outdoor Advertising… fuck you.

Here’s a list of 12 leading Alzheimers and Dementia Charities and Organizations in the event you’re a decent human being who prefers to actually help people.

***

Ending, as usual, on a positive note…
This week’s musical guest is Tom Jones. Yes, that Tom Jones. The one your mother threw her giant blooming panties at back in the early 70’s. What you may or may not realize is that Tom Jones had soul for days and a voice like 4 Tops and 3 Pips put together.
From 1969 through 1971 he had a surprisingly amazing variety show called This is Tom Jones that had a crazy line-up of guests as well as comedy sketches often featuring the Ace Trucking Company improv group with the late, great Fred Willard. But it’s the musical performances that I’ve been watching the hell out of lately and there are so many amazing ones to choose from: Jones with Ray Charles, Jones with Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Jones with Janis Joplin (particularly good)Jones with Stevie Wonder – the list goes on and on, and Jones makes every performance seem like he’s been singing with these artists for decades. And his band is tighter then security at Trump’s accountant’s office.
BOOM!
Check them all out when you get a chance. You won’t be disappointed. But for the cherry on the top of MY FRIDAY RANT, I’m going with Jones and The Exciting Wilson Pickett performing a medley of 3 songs ending, somehow, with a ridiculously good and soul-FULL version of “Hey Jude“. No shit.
Set your earholes to “soul-groovy,” and dig this in its entirety…

Peace, y’all.

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