Monologue

Week of Sept. 21

By September 26, 2020 October 2nd, 2020 No Comments

This week: MY FRIDAY RANT is actually my script for a democratic fundraiser I spoke at on Friday via something the kids are calling “Zoom”. The event was put on by Easton Democrats, a group working to help turn Easton (and Eastern) PA, as well as any other “purple” areas of the country, into a nice, soothing shade of virtuous blue.
I combined mostly new material with a touch of edited material from previous RANTS.
Dig it…

This week: MY FRIDAY RANT is actually my script for a democratic fundraiser I spoke at on Friday via something the kids are calling “Zoom”. The event was put on by Easton Democrats, a group working to help turn Easton (and Eastern) PA, as well as any other “purple” areas of the country, into a nice, soothing shade of virtuous blue.
I combined mostly new material with a touch of edited material from previous RANTS.

###

So, what am I doing here? Excellent question. I’m here to help Easton Democrats support what I hope is left of democracy. It’s gone through kind of a rough patch the past few years – been a bit shrouded in this sort of hateful blanket. But I believe that it’s poised for a “John Travolta after Pulp Fiction”-level comeback. And all of you are helping to make that happen, so thank you for that.

I live in New York City but I’m originally from California. I could say I’m from the part of California that is currently on fire, but that wouldn’t exactly narrow it down.
Just so we’re clear, California is not on fire because they didn’t rake the leaves. That’s a simpleton’s conclusion to a complex and desperately serious issue. Not any particular simpleton, but if one comes to mind… go with your gut.
It’s Trump. I’m talking about Trump.
And as unfortunate as it is, it’s not at all surprising that if pretty much
anything goes wrong outside, our current president’s immediate reaction would be to blame the gardener. 

There are plenty of reasons why there are so many wildfires, hurricanes and other extreme weather situations. Global warming is obviously one of them. Humans are another. And the third is dumb humans. It’s an unfortunate demographic that has made a considerable surge in the past few years.
For example: One of the larger fires in California this year was started by a couple having a gender reveal party using
pyrotechnics in the middle of a forest.
You couldn’t just cut a cake? Maybe release some balloons? I don’t know, wait and see?!
What’s the worst that could happen? You have to return a onesie that says “Daddy’s Girl“?

Look, I have kids. I get it. I understand the miracle – blah blah blah – so I hate to break this to everybody, but if you’re having 1 of the 130 million babies that will be born in the world this year: Chances are pretty good yours is not particularly special! It’s just not. And whether or not it’s a boy or a girl not only doesn’t matter, it obviously flat-out ignores the other options for gender identification the world has come to recognize while seemingly half our country is busy wallowing in social unconsciousness

Besides, does anybody actually react differently when the supposed answer is revealed?

“It’s a boy!”
“Fuck! Can you check again? We already painted the nursery.”

Even Smokey Bear has weighed in on this. Not Smokey THEE Bear, by the way. Don’t get me started on that. It’s just “Smokey Bear”. Look it up. He has his famous slogan, “Only you can prevent wildfires“, but because of this couple, he changed to… 

"Hey Dumbass! Next time just ask your gynecologist!"

“Hey Dumbass! Next time just ask your gynecologist.”

He had to do it. His paws were tied.

And anywhere nature isn’t destroying itself, our current president wants to pitch in.
Remember back in July he was in South Dakota and it was revealed
by the Governor, Kristi Noem, who is a huge supporter of his, that the White House had reached out to her to ask about the process of adding additional presidents to Mount Rushmore.
That’s not a joke. I have a joke coming. But that part’s not the joke. And it’s astonishing.
I guarantee Trump actually believes he should be on Mount Rushmore, when if you asked him to name the other presidents who are on there he’d be like…

Let’s see… there’s one dollar bill, two dollar bill, mustache guy and five dollar bill.

Because that’s all he knows.
What could possibly be the pitch for putting him on Mount Rushmore? Was the White House like, “Well, the guy we want to put on there next is already dumb as a rock, so… that should help.”

This has been the weirdest most messed up year in the past 4 years, and that’s saying something. We have to wear masks everywhere we go. I get it. I do it. But every time I leave my apartment with my family I feel like we’re going to rob a bank.
Speaking of which, can you imagine being a bank teller when literally everyone in the bank has a mask on? They must be so nervous these days…

“I don’t know if any of these people plan on robbing us, but I feel like it’s gonna be one of ‘em!

Things have been difficult. And though you can’t honestly blame everything on a single person, there’s an overall awful tone that’s been set and it has to change. I mean, who would have ever thought that the easiest way for me to explain bullying to my children would be to show them the President of the United States’ Twitter account? “You see where he called this person a loser, then claimed this other person is on drugs, then retweeted a video of someone saying ‘white power’… I feel a bit silly having to tell you this, son, but… you should never do that.” 

It’s shameful. It’s full of shame.

Plus, he cheats at golf. I mean, c’mon! That one really gets me!
We literally elected Judge Smails from “Caddy Shack” as our president.

And it turns out Carl the greens-keeper would have done a much better job.

I’m not a doctor. I don’t even play one on TV. But my guess is that the president’s obvious and unfortunate aggression comes from a place of insecurity. He lashes out because he’s terribly insecure.
I mean, he can’t honestly be comfortable with his hair.
Despite what his quack doctor’s say, I seriously doubt he’s the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”
He clearly had trouble getting down that ramp at West Point, which was neither steep nor slippery..
And what is going on with the way he drinks water?
Two hands?!
When’s the last time you used two hands on one glass? The only time you use two hands to drink is when you have two drinks, and that’s another problem altogether. I don’t even use two hands when I drink from a gallon of milk, which I do more often than you might think. You see, I’m actually also a race car driver on the side. Very successful. I win a lot of races, so there’s a lot of milk involved.

Anyway…
I have tried for the past four years to wrap my head around what causes anybody to think this man is the right person for the job.
He – is – not.
It just doesn’t make sense to my brain-thing that people actually like him. I find it hard to believe. But I think I figured it out. I feel like Trump’s presidency has been the catalyst for a huge coming out party for dicks.
All those people who always thought they had to hide who they truly were. They couldn’t be honest with other people or even themselves about how horrible they felt on the inside. Afraid that if they told the truth, they would be shunned or ridiculed or both… probably both. So they had to hold it in. But then Trump becomes president and they’re all like…

I’m terrible! And I don’t care who knows it.
Thank you, Donald Trump!

It’s shameful. It’s full of shame.

But it was Trump who opened that door. And the dicks came piling through it like a frenzied mob at a Walmart on Black Friday.
Awful people have never been more cool with themselves and we need to do everything we can to somehow dial that back. It feels like the whole world is joining Cobra Kai, but I know that we can be Miyagi-do.

(fin)

***

Ending, as usual, on a positive note…
This week’s musical guest is Jethro Tull. “Who?” you may ask if you’re under the age of 40, perhaps even 50. Well, I’ll tell you who. An utterly unique and amazing band that could rock an arena or a Ren Faire with equal enthusiasm and effectiveness. Frontman Ian Anderson is a bit of an odd bird, to be sure, but a supremely talented and engaging showman. Perhaps not “The Greatest Showman.” That moniker still belongs to Hugh Jackman, I believe.
Anywho…
“Thick as a Brick” is a wild ride of a song. Two lines resonate particularly with me at the moment…

My words but a whisper
Your deafness a shout…

And the sand castle virtues are all swept away
In the tidal destruction, the moral malaise

Deep shit for a bug-eyed, flute-blowin’ weirdo.
Enjoy.

Peace, y’all!

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