Monologue

Week of Sept. 14

By September 18, 2020 September 30th, 2020 No Comments

This week: A disturbingly bad year just got Supremely worse; 2020 Mitch McConnell is at war with 2016 Mitch McConnell; Mother Nature unleashes yet another warning shot; Biden gets clever in the event anyone’s interested; Can Donald Trump save us from the Bogeyman he made up?; And science! There’s so much of it to ignore.
Dig it…

This week: A disturbingly bad year just got Supremely worse; 2020 Mitch McConnell is at war with 2016 Mitch McConnell; Mother Nature unleashes yet another warning shot; Biden gets clever in the event anyone’s interested; Can Donald Trump save us from the Bogeyman he made up?; And science! There’s so much of it to ignore!

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If it’s relief from #shitshow2020 that you’re looking for, you’re going to have to wait at least another week… probably 100. This week’s devastating news can be expressed in just 6 letters:

R.I.P. RBG

Everybody alive at the time has an answer to the question, “Where were you when John F. Kennedy was shot,” though nobody seems willing to give the answer, “behind a grassy knoll shooting John F. Kennedy.”
The new, world-changing question everyone will be asking for decades to come is “What state of mind were you in when you heard Ruth Bader Ginsburg died?” My own answer will be a word salad including disillusioned, terrified and aaaaaaarrrggghhh!!

According to her granddaughter, Justice Ginsburg’s last, “most fervent wish” was not that she be remembered for her trailblazing accomplishments or that the New York Giants make it back to the Super Bowl within the next decade, but, direct quote,

“… that I will not be replaced until a new president is installed.”

And so the countdown to our buffoonish leader publicly calling Ruth Bader Ginsburg a loser begins.
Unfortunately, Majority Leader and villainous sack of shit in sub-human form, Mitch McConnell, couldn’t wait that long. His immediate response to the beloved and respected Justice’s wish: Fuck you, icon of female empowerment. Time to replace you with someone who will almost certainly fight to overturn every just law you ever fought for. (His words, not mine… probably.)

Forget about waiting until the body was cold, the man with the face of a disgruntled turtle and the morals of a hate-filled malicious turtle didn’t even wait until it dropped below 98.5º before he released a statement vowing that, “President Trump’s nominee will receive a vote on the floor of the United States Senate.”
What’s the hurry, Mitch? Why not heed the advice of a man who pretended to actually represent citizens back when not doing that would hurt his personal agenda?

“Given that we are in the midst of the presidential election process, we believe that the American people should seize the opportunity to weigh in on whom they trust to nominate the next person for a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court.”
– Mitch McConnell, February 16, 2016, following the death of Antonin Scalia.

It’s like there are two Mitch McConnells! One who’s a total dick and the other who’s an insufferable prick. It’s a miraculous feat that can only be pulled off by a totally insufferable nut cannon.

In closing, stand the hell up, democrats (and human republicans.) RBG did it for 87 years. You can do it for two fucking months.

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But why focus on just one utterly crushing story that’s currently rocking our world?
While one of our coasts remains in cataclysmic flames, another is now mired in a cataclysmic-er hurricane that, ironically, could go a long way in putting out those cataclysmic-y flames. On Wednesday, Hurricane Sally, Mustang Sally’s bitch of a cousin, lumbered ashore with 105 mph winds and pounding rains, swamping homes and trapping people along the Florida-Alabama line. Although, if you live on the Florida-Alabama line, aren’t you already sort of trapped?

Conditions only worsened on Thursday as officials urged residents to stay at home until local authorities deemed it safe to leave, which, when combined with ongoing COVID-19 precautions, should be some time around next August. The upside? All you’ll be missing is the unquestionably dreadful fallout from #shitshow2020.
So far, the only positive thing about Hurricane Sally is how much easier it is to pronounce than Hurricane Isaias, which I’m guessing you just mispronounced, though I definitely won’t hold that against you.

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Earlier in the week, Democratic nominee Joe Biden commented on Trump’s handling of climate-driven disasters, specifically the west coast wildfires, by calling him a “climate arsonist,” an extremely clever turn-of-phrase that, judging from the tone and tenor of our nation over the last three years, will almost certainly gain zero traction.

Meanwhile, our nation’s feckless windbag who leads by bad example is going all-in when it comes to frightening the electorate with visions of a dystopian future under Joe Biden that none of his base seems to realize is actually happening right now under Trump. In “orange is the new black” terms, “suburbs under siege” is the new “coming to take your guns,” as evidenced by this latest commercial based on the false premise (or what Trump calls a “premise”) that Biden wants to defund the police.

So, if you don’t want a random antifa thief and/or Mexican rapist to break into your grandmother’s very well-lit house, vote for Trump. He’ll make sure she loses that house under the weight of unsustainable medical bills caused by cutbacks in Medicare well before it gets broken in to. But on the upside, he might be able to use those funds to pay down a small portion of the record debt he’s created without having to tax billionaires.
It’s a win-win!… if you’re Trump or a billionaire.

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On Monday, the president was briefed on natural disasters by a panel of people he hates because he knows they’re all much smarter than him. This included California’s secretary of natural resources, Wade Crowfoot, who made the crucial mistake of attempting to reason with the president, explaining that we can’t ignore the sience behind human contributions to climate change. Our president responded with a somehow elevated level of dumbness. “It’ll start getting cooler,” he said. “You just watch.” You know, because it’s going to be winter soon and Trump’s a moron. Crowfoot responded quickly, saying, “I wish science agreed with you,” but Trump wasn’t anywhere near done embracing his own ignorance.

“Well, I don’t think science knows actually.”

And with that, our president inevitably attained a Jedi Master level of “I know you are but what am I” argumentative theory.

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And finally, speaking of stupid, dumb science…
Scientists now believe they’ve found signs of life on Venus, or what’s better known well into your teens as “the planet that rhymes with penis.” I don’t necessarily agree with the facts here – I just report ’em.
A team of astronomers using powerful telescopes detected a chemical called phosphine in the thick Venus atmosphere and have now reported those findings in a pair of papers entitled “Phospine on Venus Cannot be Explained by Conventional Processes.”
Talk about clickbait!
Go ahead. I’ll wait.

In the popular-among-idiots new category of “I don’t think science knows actually,” the findings are far from conclusive, but if true, now is as good a time as any to start convincing Trump voters that moving to Venus immediately may be their only way to survive inevitable suburban destruction.
#VenusExodus
#shitshow2020

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Ending, as usual, on a positive note…
This week’s musical guest is Merry Clayton. I didn’t know who she was either until I watched “Twenty Feet From Stardom“, a fantastic documentary about “the backup singers behind some of the greatest musical legends of the 21st century.” Ms. Clayton was one of them. She sang with Ray Charles, The Rolling Stones and was one of the backing vocalists on Lynyrd Skynyrd’sSweet Home Alabama“, which was a musical reply – nay, retort! – to Neil Young’s huge hit, “Southern Man.” This makes it all the more delicious that Clayton then recorded her own amazing version of Young’s song and also performed it live during a televised special that somehow failed to help propel her to her own full-fledged stardom. This whole video is well worth watching, but I’ve cued it up to “Southern Man” because, as I said, it’s delicious.

Peace, y’all.

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