Monologue

Week of Sept. 7

By September 11, 2020 September 12th, 2020 No Comments

This week: Congratulations, stupid parents – It’s a wildfire!; Was our president nominated for the wrong peace prize?; What’s worse than a white dude in a headdress booing unity while doing the tomahawk chop? Short answer –  absolutely nothin’! (say it again); And a very clever Animal bites back at the Trump campaign.
Dig it…

This week: Congratulations, stupid parents – It’s a wildfire!; Was our president nominated for the wrong peace prize?; What’s worse than a white dude in a headdress booing unity while doing the tomahawk chop? Short answer –  absolutely nothin’! (say it again); And a very clever Animal bites back at the Trump campaign.

###

It’s weeks like this that I wish I had a research department and 25 other people working with me to produce a script. Man, those were the days! Every time I think I know what I’m going to write about the story changes or all of California catches on fire or the President of the United States calls fallen soldiers “losers and suckers” or a bunch of boats at whatever the hell a “Trump Boat Parade” is sink in a lake. Not the Bermuda Triangle. Not the Drake Passage. A fucking lake! How many more signs do Trump supporters need to convince them they’re on the wrong ship?
So if I leave something out this week that’s currently stuck in what I assume is your already overcrowded craw (9-11, for instance), I apologize. Just know that yours isn’t the only stuffed craw.

Now then…

***

re: Wildfires
Note to anyone having 1 of the 130 million babies that will be born in the world this year: Yours is not particularly special! And whether or not it’s a boy or a girl not only doesn’t matter, it obviously leaves out the myriad other options for gender identification the world has come to recognize while you were busy wallowing in social unconsciousness. Besides, does anybody actually react differently when the supposed answer is revealed?

“It’s a boy!”
“Fuck! Can you check again? We already painted the nursery.”

The family that semi-accidentally started one of the fires currently ravaging California used a “smoke-generating pyrotechnic device” in the middle of a bone-dry, grassy forest to find out if they were having a boy or a girl. You couldn’t just cut a cake or release some balloons or, god forbid, just wait and see?!
What’s the worst that could happen? You have to return a onesie that says “Daddy’s Girl”?
Even Smokey Bear has weighed in by changing his world famous slogan from “Only you can prevent wildfires” to…

“Hey, dumbass! Next time just ask your gynecologist!”

Despite tens of thousands of acres burned and millions of people and animals and businesses severely affected by the historic wildfires, our very own wildfire of a president not-at-all-surprisingly has yet to offer any public statement. In fairness, he’s probably waiting to get over his own sense of loss being that even he realizes it would look really bad if he went golfing this weekend. Also, are the people affected mainly republicans or democrats? I mean, there are a lot of things for a horrible person to consider before he pretends to give a shit.
The last time our instigator in chief had anything to say about California’s seemingly endless wildfires was in August when he told almost certainly non-mask-wearing attendees at a rally, quote

“I said, you gotta clean your floors, you gotta clean your forests — there are many, many years of leaves and broken trees and they’re like, like, so flammable, you touch them and it goes up.”

It’s like sitting through an oral report by a child who’s about to find out he has to repeat the 3rd grade. “Is the tree in your story ‘broken,’ Donald? And when you touch them, does it go up? Very good, Donald. You can go back to staring out the window now.”

***

After a far-right Norwegian politician made the entirely independent and undoubtedly un-coerced decision to nominate Donald Trump for a Nobel Peace Prize, the Trump campaign immediately released an ad touting this incomparable honor.
One quick note, however: the ad misspelled the word “Nobel.”
I know! I know! I thought it was fake at first too! But it’s not. They actually conceived of, created, and released this! And I, for one, would like to second Donald Trump’s nomination for the Noble Peace Prize. After all, who more than he deserves to be forever equated with an incomprehensibly dumb mistake?

***

Something resembling the NFL got underway Thursday night as the defending Super Bowl Champion Kansas City Chiefs hosted the defending divisional playoff losing Houston Texans in front of a socially distanced 20% capacity crowd at Arrowhead Stadium that somehow still ran out of beer.
Before the game, the two teams lined up in the middle of the field and linked arms in what they called a “moment of unity“… 

which was, of course, immediately followed by “an hour of trying to break each other in half.”

Unfortunately, the moment of unity was overshadowed when a portion of the crowd actually began booing. It was a disturbing display of intolerance bordering on, if not residing in hatred, and I’m sure we all eagerly await hearing exactly how our president will defend it.

***

No self-respecting musician wants to be related with Donald Trump, which would explain his unwavering support from the likes of Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. But artists like Tom Petty, Neil Young and Rhianna to name a few, have gone so far as to obtain cease-and-desist orders to keep their music out of the ear-holes of the mouth-breathers at Trump rallies. But former Animals frontman Eric Burdon took a slightly different, far more entertaining approach

Of course, a clickbait headline with the words “perfect response” almost always means the actual response is going to be some pedestrian bullshit that’s about as unique as a grain of rice and as original as a Melania Trump speech.
Not in this case.
Last week during a stop in Wilmington, North Carolina, the Trump campaign blared “House of the Rising Sun” over loudspeakers to welcome the man whose only actual exposure to music is the synth-heavy pirated version of “Girl From Ipanema” I assume plays every time he lifts the lid on one of his gold-plated turd receptacles… assuming he bothers lifting it.
But unlike his musical colleagues, Burdon didn’t cease or desist. He took to Instagram where he actually gave the “perfect response.”

“I wasn’t surprised to learn that #Trump used #HouseoftheRisingSun for his rally the other day. A tale of sin and misery set in a brothel suits him perfectly!”

Drop the mic, Eric Burdon!
And pick up your phone so you can keep re-posting this until early November please.
As for how the Trump campaign has so far been able to resist the temptation of using Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’sWAP” at their events is anyone’s guess. They’re probably saving it for the president’s debate walk-on.

***

Ending, as usual, on a positive note…
We have a double shot of goodness this week starting with the fact that this Sunday, September 13th, the cast of The Princess Bride will reunite for a virtual reading of the absolutely amazing script written in 1987 by the absolutely even more amazing Mr. William Goldman whose IMDb page makes you wonder if he ever had a bad idea. The event is a fundraiser for the Democratic Party of Wisconsin.
It should not be missed.
You can SIGN UP HERE.
Like, now. How come you haven’t signed up yet?

The second positive note is what I insist will pass as this week’s musical guest. It’s iconic funnyman Gilbert Gottfried reciting the aforementioned “WAP.”
You’ve been warned

Peace, y’all!

Leave a Reply