Monologue

Week of June 8

By June 12, 2020 August 4th, 2020 No Comments

This week: a slightly dated symbol of the South is being hung out to die; the DC swamp might finally be getting drained; the president’s photographer gets yet another impossible assignment; NYC deals with an unforeseen side effect of the coronavirus; and one of the president’s biggest supporters turns out to be a total nutcase! Who would have ever seen that coming?!
Dig it…

This week: a slightly dated symbol of the South is being hung out to die; the DC swamp might finally be getting drained; the president’s photographer gets yet another impossible assignment; NYC deals with an unforeseen side effect of the coronavirus; and one of the president’s biggest supporters turns out to be a total nutcase! Who would have ever seen that coming?!

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The Confederate FlagTo some it’s a symbol of honor and righteousness, a sentimental cultural emblem reflecting a proud heritage and a commitment to independence for… oh, fuck that. It’s basically the N-word in cloth form; a waggling middle finger to an entire race of people; a low-tech lynching. But like a comfortable pair of shoes or a favorite old shirt that happens to say “White Power” on it, the Confederate flag is still super super important to certain probably-racists who really want to keep rebelliously waving it in the world’s otherwise collectively grimacing face.

But after  “one heavy knee for man and one giant leap backward for mankind,” the flag has once again become a target for those it so brazenly targets, and this time they’ve got some unlikely supporters. After 72 long, blind-eye-turning years of extremely loud co-existence with “Ol’ Hatey,” NASCAR has finally drawn the Mason-Dixon line and will no longer be flying the flag at any of its events. But tell that to this defiant ginger…

I don’t know who he is, but I know for sure that I will not be shopping on his Etsy page.

In its statement, NASCAR wrote: “The presence of the Confederate flag at NASCAR events runs contrary to our commitment to providing a welcoming and inclusive environment for all fans.” It’s a commitment NASCAR has firmly held for… about a week now. But still! “Screw that old, obviously racist rag we’ve been parading around for nearly a century! This is the NEW NASCARthat they’re forcing us to be.”

Two NASCAR drivers in particular had their own, very unique opinions of the decision.
Bubba Wallace, a leading stock car driver, praised NASCAR for refusing to fly the flag.
And Ray Ciccarelli, a “Truck Series” driver with one top 10 finish in his last 18 races, is leaving NASCAR because people should be able to “fly whatever flag they love.”
Can you guess which guy is which?

   

Was it Ciccarelli’s name on his car that gave it away?

So if you want to follow Wallace next year, just look for NASCAR’s only full-time African American driver wearing an “I Can’t Breath” shirt and driving a car with “Black Lives Matter” painted on it.
And if you want to follow Ciccarelli next year, just look for a guy with a tomato face wandering around the power tool section of a Home Depot just outside Tupelo.

So, one symbol of hatred and divisiveness down… one to go.
But since you can’t spell NASCAR without NRA, look for that fight to take about another 72 years.

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In perhaps the most surprising political race of the year, former Marine fighter pilot and Kentucky Democratic senatorial candidate Amy McGrath appears to have taken a very narrow lead over Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.


And with any luck, this time the tortoise in the race won’t make a last minute comeback.

At least one poll shows McGrath, a former Marine fighter pilot, with a 41 to 40 percentage point lead over McConnell. But if you factor in that McGrath supports congressional term limits while McConnell does not, her lead jumps significantly. But then if you factor in the fact that McConnell has both the ability and the willingness to actively suppress voter registration in his state then it goes right back to a toss up.

A potential defeat for McConnell, particularly combined with possible losses for Lindsay Graham and Trump himself, would be very difficult for any remaining Republicans who would no longer have someone they can point at and say, “Well, at least I’m not as bad as that guy.”

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Just four days after unsuccessfully using a bible as a prop, the president arrived in Maine for another photo-op at Puritan Medical Products, a facility that makes medical swabs used for coronavirus testing. Or at least they were going to be used for coronavirus testing until The Maskless Blunder showed up and started touching stuff and breathing all over everything. The company said the swabs manufactured in the background during dumbdumb’s visit will ultimately be thrown in the trash. They gave no specific reason, but experts say there’s a very strong chance it’s because he kept shoving them up his nose.

  

Who the fuck picks up a medical swab and immediately wonders what it smells like? And what did he expect it to smell like? “I think this one is Strawberry! Is it strawberry? I bet it’s strawberry. I have an excellent sense of smell. The best.”

Maybe instead of letting him tour any actual factories, from now on the secret service should just drop the president off at a fake factory and let him wonder around like a toddler at daycare. He can touch everything he wants, maybe eat a block or pretend to read a book, and then when they pick him up they can give him a gold star for not shitting his pants… assuming he doesn’t shit his pants.

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FoxNews has finally found their silver lining in the coronavirus epidemic. Make that their yellow lining. “Drink windows” selling to-go cocktails and beers have sprung up throughout New York City, but public bathrooms have remained closed and the result is more people than usual  peeing in the streets, which lead to this giddy FoxNews headline…

Of course, the problem is astronomically worse when you factor in all the non-drunk people who walk past FoxNews Headquarters in midtown and think to themselves, “I’m going to piss on that.”

To be fair, this has become an actual issue in the city since the pandemic, though according to “Sophia” a 23-year-old from Park Slope who decided to identify herself before revealing detailed information about her frequent public urination, “I have done it myself in Prospect Park, and behind a dumpster in Williamsburg and in Greenpoint.” So I guess the point is, if you happen to see “Sophia, 23, from Park Slope” on Tinder, either swipe left or get ready for an adventure!

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And finally…

Even though it was over a week ago, this story was well worth digging out of the vault. Cynthia Brehm, the Republican Party Chair for Bear County, TX, raised “the possibility” in a now-deleted Facebook post that the police killing of George Floyd was staged to damage President Donald Trump with black voters. So, I guess, prepare yourselves for an alive-and-well George Floyd to suddenly show up at this year’s Emmy Awards to collect his statue because his performance was wildly believable!

Obviously, Mrs. Brehm makes a habit of having “now-deleted Facebook posts,” but you can still follow her predictably awful Twitter account at @CynthiaBreahmTx

And by “follow” I clearly mean “repeatedly leave appropriately horrible comments on the delusional septic tank she calls her Twitter feed.”

Now, maybe you think this is all a bit unfair. “She made one mistake. Let’s not be too quick to judge.” Well, strap yourselves in.
Just a week before claiming George Floyd was merely hamming it up for the cameras, Brehm held a press conference where she said on camera that COVID-19, “has been promulgated by the Democrats to undo all the good President Trump has done for our country!” Which is obviously a crazy thing to say considering “all the good” President Trump has done could easily be wiped out by a mild allergic reaction.

Now, I’m sure there are plenty of large-bellied, little-blue-pill-taking Republican men who think this dimwitted ignoramus with purposefully deceptive judgement and the morals of a rabid badger would be quite a catch. But I’ve got sad news, fellas: she’s taken. I know that because I found this 2-year old article about how the righteous Mrs. Brehm defended her loving hubby, Norman Brehm, who admitted in court documents that starting in 1999, he took “indecent liberties” with Cynthia Brehm’s then-14-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, and went on to describe in full-body-cringing detail more than 10 years of “egregious sexual molestation” of three other young relatives. So I guess the point is, if you happen to see “Norman from Bexar County” on Tinder, either swipe left or get ready for an adventure!

Peace!

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