Monologue

Week of June 15

By June 19, 2020 August 4th, 2020 No Comments

This week: Juneteenth gets a not-needed boost; the Supreme Court hates Donald Trump; there’s a new “Karen” in town; if you look up “racism” in the dictionary, you might finally see what it actually means; and water – is it harder to drink than we think it is?
Dig it…

This week: Juneteenth gets a not-needed boost; the Supreme Court hates Donald Trump; there’s a new “Karen” in town; if you look up “racism” in the dictionary, you might finally see what it actually means; and water – is it harder to drink than we think it is?

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Happy Juneteenth, everybody!
And big thanks to Donald Trump for making it “very famous.” Yes, as he is want to do, President Dumbshit has laid claim to a positive impact where, in reality, he has wrecked havoc. By rescheduling his rally of near-future COVID victims that should clearly not have been scheduled in the first place, Ol’ Hay Hair claimed to have “done something good” by supposedly drawing attention to the 155-year-old celebration that, according to him, “nobody had ever heard of,” by which he means “nobody he gives a shit about.”

Trump then said “You’re welcome” to the nearly 240 million Christians across this nation who had no idea Jesus even existed until he held up a bible despite the fact that it was undoubtedly burning his hand.

Just look at his face. It’s like he found the thing on the ground and is telling someone, “Excuse me, but I think you dropped whatever the hell this thing is.”

And as long as we’re on the topic, big shout out to my bank for their e-mail informing me that they would be commemorating the end of slavery by closing at 2 p.m., and for reminding me that I can still take advantage of mobile banking during this historic time. Respect indeed.

p.s. – Juneteenth is a state holiday in all but three states, and you’ll never guess which ones… because they’re Hawaii, North Dakota and South Dakota, and you were undoubtedly thinking Mississippi, Alabama and probably Mississippi again. I’m as surprised as you are.

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The LGBTQ community had reason to celebrate this week and not just because Lady Gaga went out for an iced coffee without pants on.

The Supreme Court ruled 6-to-3 Monday that existing federal law forbids job discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation or transgender status – a major victory for advocates of gay rights as well as for anyone who’s gay or transgender and also happens to be genuinely shitty at their jobs.

The case of Bostock v. Clayton County, Georgia, was based in part on the firing of Gerald Bostock for “conduct unbecoming a county employee shortly after he began participating in a gay recreational softball league.” And yes, those quotes are being used properly. Fired for playing softball?! I mean, if it was a gay bowling league I could understand. But this is softball: America’s Soft Pastime! This guy Bostock must be a lousy softball player.

But there were three MVP’s who thought the decision was an error, including alleged sex offender, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, alleged sex offender, Justice Clarence Thomas, and alleged Supreme Court Justice, Justice Samuel Alito, who presented the dissenting opinion in the case writing simply, “Ew!” before  going back to being one of the three most powerful homophobes in the world.

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On Thursday, the Court continued its Supreme-ness, albeit by a narrow 5-to-4 ruling, by granting some 650,000 “Dreamerssafety from deportation under DACA… “for now,” which basically means that if Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies in the next four months, little Mexican kids are fucked.

The court didn’t actually rule against ending the program, but rather against the legality of the Trump administration’s approach to it. Apparently, they just wanted to hire undocumented Russians to look into it for them. Weird.

The court said that the Department of Homeland Security’s decision to rescind DACA was “arbitrary and capricious”. Then, so President DumbDumb could understand, they crossed that out and wrote “really mean and not fair.”

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This week also introduced us to the Karen to shame all Karens… until, of course, the Trump Administration creates and releases their army of Super-Karens on an unsuspecting world.
Meet Lisa Alexander, the CEO of the soon-to-be-if-not-already defunct LAFACE “luxury skincare line.”
And no, this photo isn’t blurry. It’s just that the universe is slowly erasing Ms. Alexander’s existence.

During an otherwise relaxing and illegally mask-less stroll through the ritzy Pacific Heights section of San Francisco, Alexander took time out from her racist day to stop and accuse a Filipino man of vandalizing property by stenciling “Black Lives Matter” on it. The problem: it was his own property.

In the video, Alexander and her husband, Dickhead McRacistfucker (sp?), approach James Juanillo outside what they had no un-racist reason to believe was not his home and confront him with the creepiness of a serial-killing Stepford wife and the condescension of a tenured Ivy League Lit professor explaining Proust to incoming freshmen.

Police later showed up and without even getting out of their patrol car or asking for ID, immediately recognized Juanillo as the resident of the house by which point I assume the highly aroused Mr. and Mrs. Karen had rushed home to sexually assault each other with a Confederate flag pole.

The good news: following the incident, the monthly subscription makeup mogul, Birchbox, formally cut ties with Alexander’s company, and her husband, Bigotmouth Scrotumsucker III (sp?),  was fired from his job at Raymond James where he was presumably responsible for managing mainly white people’s money.

Oh, and the even better news: thanks to help from random supporters, this is what Juanillo’s front sidewalk now looks like…

I assume Donald Trump has since taken credit for the artwork. Although it’s not a stretch to say that he’s largely responsible for making Black Lives Matter “very famous.”

In a related story, a Missouri woman named Kennedy Mitchum was able to get Merriam-Webster to change their definition of “racism.” The new definition has not been drafted yet but is expected to include a reference not only to prejudice but also to the systemic nature of racism. Plus, it will include the addendum “See also: Lisa Alexander.”

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And finally, soon-to-be-ex-President Trump delivered a commencement speech at West Point Military Academy that I’m guessing was titled “Life Lessons From a Buffoon.” But it isn’t what he said that got the most attention this time, or even the fact that he walked down a ramp with all the grace of a severely arthritic 90-year-old on ice skates; it was the fact that this “extraordinarily healthy stable genius” needs two hands to drink from a fucking glass of water

He literally tries with one hand then has to bring in his other hand for the assist.  Of course, I assume Trump blames the glass itself, but he may actually have a point this time since it’s safe to say that even inanimate objects will fiercely resist being in proximity to his noxious face-hole.

Peace!

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