Monologue

Week of July 13

By July 17, 2020 August 4th, 2020 No Comments

This week: The NFL bids sayonara to the Redskins; Tucker Carlson proves you can actually run and hide; Betsy DeVos slums it on CNN and it doesn’t go well; And one lucky dumbshit has finally won what he believes was a nationwide race to be the first governor with COVID.
What a dumbshit!
Dig it…

This week: The NFL bids sayonara to the Redskins; Tucker Carlson proves you can actually run and hide; Betsy DeVos slums it on CNN and it doesn’t go well; And one lucky dumbshit has finally won what he believes was a nationwide race to be the first governor with COVID.
What a dumbshit!

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It’s official: The Washington Redskins are finally going to change what has long been the worst thing about them. Unfortunately, it’s not the fact that they’re 66-109 for the last 10 years and haven’t won a playoff game since 1992. On Monday, the team announced they will finally do away with the racially insensitive name “Redskins” and also change their logo, a depiction of a Blackfeet Chief named Two Guns White Calf who, for the past 87 years, the team has playfully referred to as “a Redskin.” Which, in fairness, I suppose, is better than “Injun” or “Scalper” or “Buffalo Muncher” or… I should stop.
Team owner and proud Whiteskin, Dan Snyder, insisted for decades that he would “never change the name.”
Never!!
But when Mr. Snyder’s virtuous moral stance came up against threats to the thickness of his wallet, he folded like a three-dollar bill hiding from a bitcoin hoarding homophobe. In other words, Snyder gave in to pressure from the billionaire’s one true God: the corporate sponsor.
Oddly enough, those sponsors are Aunt Jemima, Eskimo Pie, The Frito Bandito, and Uncle Ben.
     

By the way, Uncle Ben’s has a “Mexican Fiesta Rice”?!
Was there a company contest to see who could piss off as many people as possible with a single product?
“Uncle Ben’s Mexican Fiesta Rice! Now with Eye-Squinting Chinaman Spices!”
(To complain about that last joke, please contact Uncle Ben’s at – and this is a completely real complaint line number – 800-54-UNCLE. That’s 800-54 and then the word “Uncle”. Business hours only please. On the weekends we go golfing.)

The new name and logo have not been chosen yet, but Snyder says the name will “take into account not only the proud tradition and history of the franchise but also input from the organization, sponsors, and the National Football League.”
So… the Washington MoneyGrubbers it is!

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Fox News host and “man who somehow has jowls despite being of average weight,” Tucker Carlson, announced this week that he is going on what he very suspiciously described as a “long-planned vacation,” which is celebrity-speak for “something bad just happened so I’m off to Cabo ’til it blows over.” The bad thing that happened was that Blake Neff, the top writer for The Tucker Carlson Show, resigned last week after it was revealed that he had posted racist and bigoted remarks online, to say nothing of the daily stream of ignorance and intolerance he wrote for years that spewed from Tucker Carlson’s vainglorious pie hole.
Though Carlson was able to open his bile-filled gullet wide enough to briefly condemn the words of the “Vader” to his “Sidious,” he reserved his true feelings for when he criticized the “ghouls beating their chests in triumph at the destruction of a young man.” As if Neff is a child who got caught stealing a candy bar, and not a 30-year-old professional writer who purposefully offended people based on their race. Because to Carlson, the only thing wrong with a racist bigot is that anyone is offended by the racist bigot. It’s the racist bigot’s equivalent of “Look what she was wearing!”
It should be noted that Neff, who obviously sees himself as a superior being based on his skin color, is 5’4″ tall and balding.
Feast your eyes on the perfection of the master race, y’all!
It’s like if Zeus and Hercules had a baby… and then adopted a different, horrible baby out of pity. And then that horrible baby remained a horrible baby well into his 20’s.

As for Carlson’s vacation, he went fishing because there’s obviously nothing Tucker Carlson loves more than getting something to bite at false bait so he can get his hooks into it long enough to smile for the cameras while he pretends he’s better than the thing he just caught.

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If you have school-aged children then you know there’s a big decision that has to be made soon: do we send our kids back to school amid a still active pandemic, or risk killing them ourselves at home.
Fortunately, Donald Trump’s hand-picked Secretary of Being Opposed to Public Education, Betsy DeVos, has all the answers we need. Which is to say she has one answer. And honestly, I’m not sure any of us need it. BUT… her answer is to fully re-open all school’s this Fall, presumably so we can weed out all the weak kids by Christmas. Those kids don’t deserve presents anyway because they’re stupid and weak… and probably too poor to afford presents.DeVos made her intentions clear in a robotic interview on CNN during which she consistently ignored federal CDC guidelines in favor of repeating her pre-programmed message of, “Kids need to get back to school.”
Q: But what about the safety of those kids.
A: Kids need to get back to school.
Q: But the CDC says it’s likely to be a significant risk to children’s health.
A: Kids need to get back to school.
Q: What’s your favorite ice cream?
A: Kids need to get back to school.

At that point in the interview, smoke began to pour from the Secretary’s ears as she whispered “Danger” and “Malfunction” and slowly slumped forward in her chair.
Before her complete mechanical failure, however, DeVos repeatedly said that getting kids back into obviously overcrowded schools “can be done safely,” though she offered no details on how to accomplish that because – and this is a very important – she doesn’t fucking have any.
She’s basically as useless as a doctor who faints at the sight of blood, or a president who hires an apathetic yacht collector to run the nation’s public schools.

So, not only do DeVos and her compassionless overlord not have a plan beyond the Nike slogan of “Just Do It,” they’re offering zero financial assistance to cash-strapped schools that can’t possibly afford the safety precautions outlined by the CDC. The only surprise here is that DeVos hasn’t suggested that kids who have yachts offer them up as extra classroom space. As for thoroughly cleaning the schools several times a day, that’s what maids are for, right? And if teachers are unhappy with the extra workload, maybe they should just cash in one of their portfolios and pony up for an assistant.
What… is… the… big… deal?!

Informal polls show that people are split on whether or not they believe this move is political, purely political, or political as shit. Basically, there’s no-one who doesn’t think this is political, and that includes children who haven’t been in school since February and never even studied politics in the first place.

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And finally, we turn to the rapidly growing demographic of “Dumbshits Who Downplay COVID and Then Contract the Virus Themselves.”

This week’s dumbshit is Oklahoma Governor, Kevin Stitt, who has aggressively pushed to reopen his state, flouted experts’ health recommendations regarding precautions against the coronavirus, welcomed a highly ill-advised rally for the President in Tulsa just three weeks ago, and in March, tweeted out unmasked photos of himself and his children at what he described as a “packed” restaurant that we can safely assume is of “Olive Garden or less” quality. Probably less.
Well, guess what? The governor announced Wednesday that he has tested positive for the coronavirus!
It’s like the scene in Caddy Shack when The Bishop claims “The good Lord would never disrupt the best game of my life!” just before getting struck by lightening.

Completely disregarding the irony of it all, Governor Stitt attempted to turn the terrible news into some kind of weird positive by noting that he’s the “first governor to test positive for coronavirus.”
So… take that, Ron DeSantis!

Stitt denied that he could have contracted the virus at Trump’s highly controversial rally in Tulsa, saying quote, “That was too long ago for it to be dormant, based on the science.”
Then before he even let out his next infected breath, Governor Stitt went right back to conveniently not believing in science.

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In closing: a musical treat. Because there are certain performances I watch over and over again.
In 2016, the band Disturbed appeared on Conan to perform Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence,” and they 100% CRUSHED it.
In particular, dig the power singer David Draiman brings to the already powerful words…
And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made

Growl, young man! Growl!
Peace, y’all.

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