This week: Welcome to the “Planet of the Macaques”; Trump perhaps conveniently sets his phone down for the first time since the invention of phones; Russia seemingly tightens its grip on our president’s sagging jowls; the Godfather of pizza seems to have grabbed himself a slice with extra COVID; and nudists – are they even more ridiculous than you already think they are? Spoiler alert: Yes!
Dig it…
This week: Welcome to the “Planet of the Macaques”; Trump perhaps conveniently sets his phone down for the first time since the invention of phones; Russia seemingly tightens its grip on our president’s sagging jowls; the Godfather of pizza seems to have grabbed himself a slice with extra COVID; and nudists – are they even more ridiculous than you already think they are? Spoiler alert: Yes!
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As the coronavirus finds accommodating new homes in the throats and sinuses of unmasked mouth-breathers to the south and our president plays with his putter while Russia arranges target practice on our troops, at least we can rest easy knowing there are still parts of the world that might be even more fucked than we are…
Yes, the ancient city of Lopburi, Thailand, has reportedly become the scene of raging warfare between roving gangs of hungry, angry, and apparently very horny monkeys. Or more accurately, horny-er. Let’s be honest, just because the word “monk” is in there doesn’t mean these junk-hungry little primates want anything to do with celibacy. So if you’re still upset about having to wear a mask outside, maybe you should just be happy you’re not surrounded by monkeys that are devouring Twinkies and chugging Mountain Dew while trying to chew a hole in your leg so they can fuck it.
The problem started when tourism in the area dried up thanks to COVID, and thousands of longtail macaques stopped getting hand-fed in the street in exchange for a selfie and a moderate-to-elevated risk of getting a paw-full of monkey poop thrown at you from close range.
Officials in Lopburi are instituting a sterilization program to attempt to curb the problem, but obviously what the city needs is an army of privileged white women with cell phones who can help keep order.
Let the battle cry for justice be heard! Send out the Karens!!
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Now then, on to the previously and continuously scheduled clownish buffoonery of our Commander-in-Tweet.
On Sunday, His Bozoness was doing what he usually does: sitting on the toilet with his dumbphone seeing if he could tweet something that sounded as bad as his shit smelled… and his unmitigated lack of patience for rational thought paid off! After watching a video of cantankerous old Floridians parading around in their golf carts screaming “white power!” at protestors, Captain Ameri-duh retweeted it with a comment praising the wannabe slave owners as “great people.”
The racially non-sensitive retweet immediately got the negative attention it deserved from thoroughly exhausted activists, but when frantic White House aides reportedly struggled to contact the president to get him to delete the video, he couldn’t be reached for hours because the divot on the fairway of humanity was golfing and, quote, “not paying attention to his phone.”
Seriously? What are the chances President TwiddleThumbs wasn’t paying attention to his phone?! Twelve-year-old girls on TikTok pay less attention to their phones! What could possibly have distracted him? Was Ivanka trying on bras in front of him? Nothing else makes sense.
Several hours later, after a long, hard afternoon of not-at-all cheating at golf, wedge-for-brains finally deleted the video, which is the technological equivalent of drinking your parent’s vodka and filling the bottle back up with water: it never works and you’re gonna get caught. So the president’s “most trusted team of people who haven’t made him angry yet,” went into spin mode including White House press secretary and former Miss Awful Universe, Kayleigh McEnany, who defended the real life President Camacho saying “he did not hear that particular phrase,” which triggered yet another worldwide epidemic, this one causing people to involuntarily cough while muttering “bullshit!” Then, as if the occasion came anywhere near requiring yet another level of witlessness, McEnanay somehow decided to add that, quote, “the president’s point in tweeting out that video was to stand with his supporters who are oftentimes demonized.”
Yes. Particularly those supporters who yell “white power” directly into someone’s cell phone.
And it’s not fair!
The demonization of awful racists has got to stop! Only then can we return to the America that awful racists know and love.
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Speaking of the President of the United States blatantly displaying his allegiance to terrible people, on Sunday the future Mrs. Vladimir Putin denied receiving a briefing about intelligence that Russians had tried to bribe Taliban fighters to kill US troops. Because why would anybody bother the president with such trivialities when he’s obviously busy trying to figure out why he keeps slicing his tee shots?
Despite receiving a report from the White House’s National Security Council with several possible courses of action against Russia, the White House has yet to authorize any steps, presumably because 1 – Trump is in love with Putin, and 2 – Putin is in love with a videotape he allegedly has of The Donald watching two prostitutes pee on a bed. Hell, even Bill Clinton wouldn’t do that!… Probably.
But honestly, if you think about what other bodily fluids basically cover every single hotel bed in the world, a little bit of hooker piss isn’t really that big a deal. Unless, of course, they had asparagus for dinner. Then it would be downright gross.
Former FBI Director, James Comey, claims he once discussed the alleged “pee tape” with Trump who told him, quote, “I’m a germaphobe. There’s no way I would let people pee on each other around me.” In other words, if not for the germs, he’d be totally cool with it. I mean, watching two prostitutes pee is no big deal. What bothers our president is all that damn splashing. It’s like being in the front row at an x-rated Gallagher show!
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Of course, by now we all know that Donald Trump’s rally in Tulsa on June 20th did not have the huge turnout he’s accustomed to lying about, thanks in large part to TikTok users and K-Pop fans who reserved thousands of seats but never showed up. It’s an epic troll of an epic troll and is therefore the epic-est of trolls. But because they seemingly have no common sense or self-respect, some people did show up including former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain, who was happy to be there with “Black Voices for Trump”
And judging from the photo, the group is going strong with nine full time members if you count the guy in the back left who doesn’t seem to want to be there and don’t count the mysterious but very reasonably masked cowboy who is clearly heading for the exit like a furious rodeo bull busting out of its pen.
But the real story here is that two very incubative weeks late, Mr. Cain has now been hospitalized after testing positive for the coronavirus.
Surprise!
But not really. Because Cain, like so many others at the rally, was not wearing a mask and not adhering to proper social distancing guidelines, which is perplexing to say the least considering how much room there was to spread out.
At first, I thought this rally was a terrible idea, but after seeing this, I realize that, at least for this guy, it was probably the safest place to be in the entire country.
